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Wednesday, July 2, 2008

This Blog is Kinda Weird for Me

Have you ever been around a person whose sense of self-identity is so shaped by some particular past experience or personal hardship that they insist on bringing it into every single goddammed conversation? Anytime they're engaging in casual chit-chat with others, they preface their own comments with things like, "Well, when Harry and I were getting divorced ten years ago, I blah blah blah" or "back when I was in the Peace Corps, I blah blah blah." I can talk about that second one with some authority, since I've been in the Peace Corps myself, and I've been around those sixty-something folks who served in Ethiopia in 1968 and still can't stop talking about it to this very day.

The thing that's weird for me with this blog is that I really am not, nor do I want to be, the kind of gal who insists on bringing up my own KuKd status at every possible moment, connecting all of my current life experiences to my KuKd losses. And yet, isn't that what this blog is all about? And, aren't I the one who started this thing? And how do I honor my dead fetus and baby without being that person who can't let go and move on? I wonder if it's possible for me to find that balance between sharing my general musings about KuKd, without being the one at the cocktail party who's like:

"I love this Bombay and tonic! Back when I was pregnant with my son Zachary, WHO WAS STILLBORN, BY THE WAY, I never drank this stuff. Oh how I missed it!"

"Really? You've gained ten pounds? So have I, since MY SON WAS STILLBORN."

"No, we don't have kids. Actually, we do have a SON WHO WAS STILLBORN."

"I teach at a community college. Actually, I should really be on prolonged maternity leave right now, but MY SON WAS STILLBORN so I'm not."

A totally unrelated thought: Sarah Jessica Parker annoys me. I wonder if she irritates anyone else.


Sara said...

Answering the question about whether or not I have kids, or in my case "is she your only child" (referring to Salome, usually from a mother with three or four insinuating how "easy" I have it. . .)always leaves me screaming inside my head.

Now I get "how old is she?" and when they find out, perfect strangers will respond - "it's time you had another one". grrrrr. I've actually replied, strongly, IF I COULD I WOULD!!! Geez, people!

Sorry - I'm totally hijacking your blog. . .


Yes, Sarah Jessica Parker annoys me too. I think it's because she reminds me of my sister-in-law. . .

Monica L. said...

I totally get it, Sara! So, what do you say? That you only have one child? Do you ever launch into your whole KuKd history, or play it by ear? What's frustrating is that I crave some kind of acknowledgment from society (friends, neighbors, bums off the street) that I've lost a baby or two. Or a fetus, or an embryo, or whatever. But at the same time, like I said, I don't want to be the one begging for attention. Wahhhhh!

Thank you for sharing my irritation with Sarah J.P.

julian + jen said...

sarah jessica parker annoyed me, right after i lost my second child.

i imagine that loosing zachary is such a huge part of who you are. especially right now while it's still so fresh. i think you are entitled to end every sentence that way.

Monica L. said...

Thanks, Julian - aka Mister Pants. I wish all kids under age two were as articulate and compassionate as you. I've loved you for that ever since MY OWN SON WAS STILLBORN, heh heh heh.

Shaz said...

Monica, don't know what happened, tried sending you a comment yesterday but had some problems. I feel the same way, I want acknowledgement from everyone on the losses I have been through but not just that, I can't explain it, but I want some acknowldgement and admiration for how freaking brave I am to have been walking this path for 6 years and still remain sane. I wear my infertility and my miscrriage history as a Purple Heart Medal for bravery, because, aside from my fellow KuKd sisters I'm the bravest person I know.

Natalie said...

I feel the same way... sometimes I wonder if every conversation is about my son in some way. But I get really pissed when no one brings him up, too. Can't win, right?

Zach is beautiful, by the way.

Sara said...

My response depends upon many things: mood, strength, my perception of WHY they are asking, how bitter I want to be. . . If it's just general info gathering, I will say I have one child. If someone is trying to point out how easy my life is, I sometimes drop da bomb. With strangers who are being inappropriate - hell, I'm wounded either way, so I've been giving inappropriate right back! :-)