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Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Dear Sperm: Find the Goddamned Egg

Greetings, KuKd Strong Mommas and Inquisitive Guests!

As you know, there are many women out there whose problem isn't so much getting Knocked Down, but getting Knocked Up in the first place. On behalf of those and any other women tired of having their own reproductive systems blamed for their woes (and I'm just as guilty as anyone of cursing my own pelvic area) I thought I'd issue the following letter, a petition of sorts, to Sperm. You are welcome to add your support or additional stipulations by posting a comment.


DEAR SPERM:

We, the undersigned, hereby issue this notice of formal reprimand for the following violation: not finding the goddamned egg.

As indicated in our contractual agreement, you have one primary function in this organization: finding the goddamned egg. You were hired under the assumption that you possessed adequate experience to achieve this mission with limited additional training or support, as evidenced by your impressive resume. During your second interview, you attested to your own intimate familiarity with the female reproductive territory. Your list of prior positions held seemed to indicate that you were fully prepared to take on the physically, mentally, and emotionally challenging task of finding the goddamned egg.

And yet, month after month, you have failed to meet the minimum quota of ONE. Although a few months of initial underperformance is normal in the industry, you have now been employed with us for so long that we expect much more. We expect you to find the goddamned egg.

During your employment with us, we have attempted to assist you with numerous resources - much more training and professional development than what we thought would be required. From temperature taking and ovulation charting to IVF procedures and hormone therapy, many of these measures are not only time-consuming and anxiety-producing, but financially burdensome. Using such resources isn't unlike a hunter using a deer blind to assist in finding his prey: somewhat of a cop out, and certainly not a sign of strong employee performance. Again, your resume indicated that you would be capable of succeeding in what has already been deemed achieveable by countless sperm around the world, without exhausting so many company resources: finding the goddamned egg.



I have included, with this memorandum, a map of the female reproductive system as an additional resource to assist you in doing your job: finding the goddamned egg. We know there there are numerous challenges which may be impeding you from completing your objective, but independent problem solving is a very large part of your list of job responsibilities. This means, it doesn't matter if the eggs are hidden or damanged or scarce. It doesn't matter if the reproductive territory is that of a shriveled old woman. There is no obstacle that can't be solved with a little ingenuity and out-of-the-box thinking. Figure it out, and find the goddamned egg.

A copy of this letter will be kept in your permanent employee file. From this point forward, your progress will be monitored on a monthly basis, especially before and during the ovulation period. In the event that your sales numbers do not improve, further disciplinary action will be taken against you.

Sincerely,

Monica L. et al.

15 comments:

sharonvw said...

Hey, well written. Where do I sign?

Monica LeMoine said...

Sign by posting a comment, Shaz!

Selmada said...

And there are thousands of them, thousands but not one can find the egg??? You'd think the competition of being the 'first to arrive' would motivate them. Sheesh.

I wonder if they "learnt" from their origins not look at maps, not to ask for directions. Grrr.

Michelle said...

This is hilarious!!!!!!! I love it!

Monica LeMoine said...

Selmada -

HA HA! Yes, I think Sperm is - like men - not apt to ask for directions. At least that's the case with my own in-house sperm factory.

carly said...

very funny monica love it!!!!!

janis said...

This is a riot!

Zil said...

Someone needs to invent little, tiny, nano-GPS systems.

Monica LeMoine said...

Great idea - a nano GPS system. OK Bill Gates, you rich ass mo'fo. That's your next calling.

Jendeis said...

Here from the Creme. So in love with the post. Bookmarking it immediately. :) Must add a postscript for my own husband's sperm that not only must they find the goddammed egg, but actually break in and fertilize it. Slackers.

Guera! said...

This was great. Very funny! Here from Creme de la Creme!

Barb said...

Love it! (In my case though, I'd have to send a letter to my egg to not be so tardy and to please grow up & play nice with the sperm already?)

From Creme.

Cassandra said...

The sperm in my corporation have filed a grievance that if that bitch the egg does not show up for work, they cannot be blamed for their inability to complete the task.

The eggs have filed a counter-complaint there have been numerous opportunities in which a large number of them reported for duty simultaneously, only to be left waiting until the end of their shifts.

Judgments pending on both.

Billy said...

Very funny!!!
(here from the creme)

Karen said...

You are hilarious!