Greetings, KuKd Strong Mommas and Inquisitive Guests!
As you know, there are many women out there whose problem isn't so much getting Knocked Down, but getting Knocked Up in the first place. On behalf of those and any other women tired of having their own reproductive systems blamed for their woes (and I'm just as guilty as anyone of cursing my own pelvic area) I thought I'd issue the following letter, a petition of sorts, to Sperm. You are welcome to add your support or additional stipulations by posting a comment.
We, the undersigned, hereby issue this notice of formal reprimand for the following violation: not finding the goddamned egg.
As indicated in our contractual agreement, you have one primary function in this organization: finding the goddamned egg. You were hired under the assumption that you possessed adequate experience to achieve this mission with limited additional training or support, as evidenced by your impressive resume. During your second interview, you attested to your own intimate familiarity with the female reproductive territory. Your list of prior positions held seemed to indicate that you were fully prepared to take on the physically, mentally, and emotionally challenging task of finding the goddamned egg.
And yet, month after month, you have failed to meet the minimum quota of ONE. Although a few months of initial underperformance is normal in the industry, you have now been employed with us for so long that we expect much more. We expect you to find the goddamned egg.
During your employment with us, we have attempted to assist you with numerous resources - much more training and professional development than what we thought would be required. From temperature taking and ovulation charting to IVF procedures and hormone therapy, many of these measures are not only time-consuming and anxiety-producing, but financially burdensome. Using such resources isn't unlike a hunter using a deer blind to assist in finding his prey: somewhat of a cop out, and certainly not a sign of strong employee performance. Again, your resume indicated that you would be capable of succeeding in what has already been deemed achieveable by countless sperm around the world, without exhausting so many company resources: finding the goddamned egg.
I have included, with this memorandum, a map of the female reproductive system as an additional resource to assist you in doing your job: finding the goddamned egg. We know there there are numerous challenges which may be impeding you from completing your objective, but independent problem solving is a very large part of your list of job responsibilities. This means, it doesn't matter if the eggs are hidden or damanged or scarce. It doesn't matter if the reproductive territory is that of a shriveled old woman. There is no obstacle that can't be solved with a little ingenuity and out-of-the-box thinking. Figure it out, and find the goddamned egg.
A copy of this letter will be kept in your permanent employee file. From this point forward, your progress will be monitored on a monthly basis, especially before and during the ovulation period. In the event that your sales numbers do not improve, further disciplinary action will be taken against you.
Monica L. et al.