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Tuesday, November 18, 2008

1-800-2-Bullsh*t

Greetings, Inquisitive Minds!

I, like you, had great hopes when I first heard of 1-800-2-Cha-Cha.

Wait, everyone here knows what 1-800-2-Cha-Cha is, right? If not, grab a chocolate frosted cupcake and a dixie cup full of apple juice, kids, and gather 'round for today's lesson on pop culture. Then Miss Monica will tell you why 1-800-2-Cha-Cha is bullsh*t (that's a great compound word to memorize, by the way).

1-800-2-Cha-Cha is, quite simply, the number to call when you're out drunk with your friends, and suddenly need to know the answer to a burning question. Here's ChaCha's official explanation of how it works:

"ChaCha is conversational, fun, and easy to use. Simply ask your question like you are talking to a smart friend and ChaCha’s advanced technology instantly routes it to the most knowledgeable person on that topic in our Guide community. Your answer is then returned to your phone as a text message within a few minutes."

Talking to a smart friend? THE MOST KNOWLEDGEABLE person on that topic? Gee whiz! What could be better than this!

So, at an unnamed time in the not-so-distant past, I decided to give ChaCha try. I called and was immediately greeted with an automated female voice, friendly and spunky:

"Hi! What's your question?"

I covered up my mouth a bit, because I was surrounded by people on the #174 bus, which suddenly seemed a little quieter than usual.

"I want to know if I'm pregnant," I said cautiously, adding my age and the first date of my last menstrual cycle in case it mattered, and then hung up.

Within 30 seconds, I received the following text message:

"Wait one week and then do a home pregnancy test."

Are you kidding me? What do you think I am, a freakin' retard? Those smug, useless bastards. Thanks for your help, ChaCha. NOT.

Five minutes later, I had a better idea, a different brilliant question to stump them. And actually, I was more than a little curious about what answer they might give. So I called back.

"Hi! What's your question?"

"I want to know if I'll ever have a living, breathing baby," I said. "I'm thirty two years old, and I've had one stillbirth and one miscarriage. Oh yeah, and that was me that just called a few minutes ago."

I hung up and waited eagerly. This one took a little longer. Two minutes later, I got the following text:

"ChaCha is working on your question."

SWEET! By this point, you can imagine how excited I was. I mean seriously - this could very well determine my entire future life, my world view starting today, my total outlook on life. Go home and immediately get four more Westi-poo puppies and cash out that little send-our-kids-to-study-abroad savings account for a stainless steel refrigerator? Or start perusing strollers online again?

Finally, I got an answer:

"It probably isn't feasible to discuss this topic over text messaging."

WHAT!!!????!!!???!!???!???

It was embarrassingly disappointing, this response, and now I'm still left to wonder. Underwhelming and bland. So much for 1-800-2-ChaCha, aka 1-800-2-Bullsh*t.

Oh, and for the record, I'm not knocked up.

11 comments:

sharonvw said...

Hahaha, Mon,you're so funny! I think KuKd increases our ability to believe in bull shit like this. Have you heard of the Dettol test? I've even done that and convinced myself I was Ku!

'Murgdan' said...

ROFL! OMG--I've never heard of such a thing! Seriously...what, is a fortune teller at the end of the line? Loved this story!

Anabelle said...

wow... a magic eight ball via phone eh?

I shall tell my drunken friend Ryan about this... she shall surely love it.

are you still trying? it seems you tossle back and forth between wanting to and not wanting to.

Monica LeMoine said...

SHAZ: Dettol Test? Never heard of it, but it sounds scary. Sort of have a medical ring to it, like some kind of test for canker sores.

MURGDAN: What's "ROFL?" I'm sure I could find that out somehow but I haven't enough coffee yet to do any productive research.

ANABELLE: Oh, K and I are trying and caring, but pretending to ourselves and everyone else in the world that we're not trying and caring. Does that make sense?

jillkitchen said...

ROFL = Rolling on floor laughing.

ROFLMAO = Rolling on floor laughing my ass off.

I've never heard of this phone service - I could use an automated texting friend. It reminds me of iGod, equally useless but amusing: http://www.titane.ca/concordia/dfar251/igod/main.html

Michelle said...

That is hilarious! I have never heard of this number. I would love to hear some of the crazy questions they must get.

julian + jen said...

where do you even hear of these things? does it have to do with being around college kids all the time?

i'm skeptical - what's the fee?

Monica LeMoine said...

JILL: Thanks for the translation - you should start a business doing that.

MICHELLE: Well, why don't you try it yourself - go ask a crazy ChaCha question and report back to us on what answer you get.

JEN/JULIAN: It's free, except for the cost of receiving a text message. What I've heard is that eventually they're going to start charging, or using advertising, but for now it's free. Go on girl, try it, and let us know how it goes! Ask them, for instance, where you can buy breast milk cheese. I've always wondered that myself.

Rebecca said...

I am throwing up a little in my mouth right now thinking of breast milk cheese... I may never eat cheese again (especially from the farmer's market - who knows where that comes from?!?)....

Monica LeMoine said...

Rebecca, what are you, an anti- breast milkist? I mean, don't you honestly think it's a bit weird that we drink an`other animal's milk? I think we all should start drinking human breast milk.

Rebecca said...

The thought of drinking any milk is disgusting to me, although I do like milk products (ice cream, Greek full-fat yogurt, and cheese anyone?) - at least until I thought of them being made with breast milk... Yes, I am anti-me-drinking-breast-milkist. Maybe my mom breast fed me wrong or something, or maybe I just got my fill then!!