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Sunday, November 23, 2008


Greetings, Pregnancy Pee-Stick Hoarders and Inquisitive Guests!

So, you've been feeling a little nauseous lately? Craving chop suey with a side of kimchee? A bit on the fatigued side? Detecting some fluttery movement in the abdomen? Belly ever-so-slightly more distended than usual?

Sorry to break it to you, but you're halluc-i-knocking, and all of those symptoms are mere halluciknock-tions. Pull up a chair and take out your composition books, boys and girls. It's time to write down our new KuKd Word:

HALLUC-I-KNOCK (ha-LOO-sin-ock) - Hallucinate + knocked. The act of being completely convinced that one is knocked up, even though one isn't. Halluciknock (v), halluciknocktion (n), halluciknocktional (adj).

Characterized by imagi-nausea, phantom phatigue, fake food cravings, false flutters, and a bogus burgeoning belly.

As usual, a related anecdote (you don't think these words spring out of nowhere, do you?): During the second half of a particular month in the not-too-distant past, I was halluciknocking to the full extent of the law. It was like someone had snuck LSD into my flax flakes. I was exhibiting all of the classic halluciknocktional symptoms outlined above: the waves of nausea followed by intense excitement (THIS IS IT!), the belly flutter (I had no idea a recently fertilized egg could actually KICK, but I'll go with it for now...), everything.

And then, like that ice cold shower bringing me down my glittery rainbow halluciknocktional high, look who showed up three days early:

That's right: the Obnoxious Red-Clad Aunt. You know who I'm talking about.

And with that, my halluciknocktion came crashing to a halt. Now I know better - and I ain't falling for all those symptoms next time.


Amanda said...

I'm sorry. I hate the phantom kicks and such that you experience. Logan used to kick me when I would take a shower in the morning and a couple times all in my head I know, I would have thought I was feeling that again. SIGH... Being a deadbabymamma is so hard. (((HUGS))) and I hope next month is your month. And I hope we both get our rainbow babies.

sharonvw said...

I hate halluciknocktion!!! Its the absolute worst, I suffer from it most months!
So sorry Mon!

Austen said...

I have halluciknocked many times, I'm sorry to say. One time, I felt the phantom flutters and tender breasts, and even had no red-clad aunt. A casual observer would surely have thought I was pregnant. My pee stick suggested otherwise. I sometimes counter balance haluciknocktion with concern that I could be pregnant with no symptoms, and have no idea I was pregnant for months and months, simply because I refuse to be a slave to the pee stick.

Michelle said...

I have suffered from Halluciknocking too many times to count! It sucks!

Monica LeMoine said...

Yes, all - glad I'm not only halluciknocker out there!

B said...

perhaps hallucinknock-tating is viral and contagious, b/c I've suffered from it as well..... hmmmmmmm

Cara said...

It even attacks those of us that are pretty sure we could not possibly be, no - DIDN'T HAVE A CHANCE IN HELL that month, to be pregnant!

Yup - got me an interal u/s out if it though. I sure have pretty insides!

Monica LeMoine said...

Cara -what's an interal or internal u/s?? I'm picturing like, a visa to some strange foreign country. Or a special computer part.

Natalie said...

I was doing that today, which is funny because I've been on the pill this month and there is NO way I am pregnant... and yet all day, my sense of smell was really sensitive and my belly is very distended. Nice. I KNOW I'm not pregnant, and I'm STILL halluciknocking.