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Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Random KuKd Advice Generator

Greetings KuKd Strong Mommas and Inquisitive Guests!

I've thought of a new invention, and it's so cool and innovative that you'll wish you'd thought of it before me.

But first, some background.

Have any of you ever used the Random Recipe Generator for some culinary inspiration? Essentially, it plugs random ingredients into recipe instructions, mixes it up, and bang - you get your recipe. What's great about this site is that if you are ever unsatisfied with the recipe that you get, simply click the "refresh" button, and a new, hopefully improved recipe will appear. I thought I'd give it a try, and here's what I finally got, after multiple refreshory clicks:

Mint Sauce With Noodles Crust: Serves 4

* 130ml apple sauce
* 110g pasta
* 90ml mint sauce
* 80g sugar
* 20g noodles


1. barbeque the sugar
2. slice the pasta
3. heat the pasta in the saucepan
4. throw the noodles away
5. rinse the mint sauce
6. microwave the apple sauce
7. enjoy

I'm not sure how steps 1 and 5 above will pan out, but I'll keep you posted.

Anyway, the Random Recipe Generator got me thinking about KuKd-related medical advice, which I'm beginning to believe is largely comprised of nonsensical blathering. Here are some such MISCARRIAGE PREVENTION TIPS that I've found lately (and I'm not making these up, dawg!):

Don't eat "cramp bark," "false unicorn," and "dong quai. (Damn - I guess I'll have to stop snacking on those yummies during my afternoon break.)

Drink liquid chlorophyll. (Finally, an excuse to suck on my house plants!)

Eat dandelions. (Can't you just picture the job ad? "Dependable, honest woman available to eat the weeds in your back yard. Satisfaction guaranteed!")

Avoid herpes. (Is anyone out there NOT trying to avoid herpes?)

Eat chocolate daily. (Can do.)

Don't eat flour. (No can do. Screw that.)

Use organic tampons. (Is anyone else imagining a field filled with tall, swaying, grassfed, free-range tampons?)

Travel by air.
(Yes, I've always found it relaxing and fetus-nurturing to peruse issues of Sky Mall magazine.)

Eat animal organs. (Um, no.)

Have lots of sex. (This one seems counter-intuitive, from a physics standpoint.)

Don't be underweight. (Noooooo problem. Not now, not then, not ever.)

Don't have a previous miscarriage. (This one totally makes me think of that Cher song: "If I could turn back time...I'd take back that other miscarriage, so you'd stay, new fetus!)

Don't have contact with reptiles.
(You mean I can't bring my pet boa constrictor to class with me anymore? And you were so GOOD at eating my naughty students, Mister Slithers!)

SERIOUSLY, who comes up with this shi*t! Now, are you ready for my NEW INVENTION idea? This is top secret, people, so don't you go out and try to steal my idea:

A Random KuKd Advice Generator!

It'll act very similarly to the Random Recipe Generator. Go to the website, pay your $1 fee, and the Generator will spit out some randomly generated "tips and tricks" for keeping a fetus alive by inserting various nouns into template instructions. Here's a sampling:

Don't eat _________.
Do eat____________.
Don't drink_____________.
Mix ____________ with ________________ and chew it slowly.
Rub ______________ on your skin and shout the word ____________ at the same time.
Write__________________ hundred times while standing on your head.

Now, just randomly insert nouns into the blanks above (this is what my wonderful new machine will do for you): plastic cups, fried cheese, nail polish, textbooks, boogers, tequila, airplanes, Vaseline, extra virgin olive oil, pomegranite juice...

You get the picture. How cool is that!

Oh, and by the way, here are the sources of those lovely tips above:


Happy reading!


*~*Lis*~* said...

would those free-range tampons be twice the price of regular ones?

Monica LeMoine said...

Lis - yeah, definitely more expensive. They usually come with an organic flax seed string and made with crushed absorbant oat flakes. It takes a lot of extra labor to make them, hence the high price tag. But don't worry; those Whole Foods execs sure appreciate your business!

sharonvw said...

I swear if those tips could ACTUALLY prevent dead fetus, I'd do them!!!!

Viktoria said...

Monica you have made my day. Thank you! I'm relieved to see that my favorite snack of "true unicorn" wasn't on the list of things to avoid. On the don't eat flour advice I have a wee story. I went to a TTC/subsequent Ku meeting several months ago and there was a woman there spouting the evils of gluten and how it can cause a "spontaneous abortion". She was kind enough to repeat this phrase at full volume several times to a room full of Kd mammas. Let me tell you, it took all my will power not to jump across the room and claw her eyes out. I have not been back to that group (big surprise), but I did just here that she's had her baby so maybe it's safe to return.

And remember ladies, free-range tampons are happy tampons, and happy tampons make for happy periods. :)

oxoxoxox VS

PS: You really can BBQ sugar. It's what's on top of creme brulee! Mmmmmmm...

Michelle said...

Hilarious as always!

Don't have previous miscarriages - wow if you would have only told me that earlier I could have saved myself so much heartache.

Don't be underweight - I too have that totally covered along with eat chocolate!

Silly me all this time I have been trying to get maybe that has been my problem.

Maybe we should put chocolate, dandelions, chlorophyill and animal organs in the recipe generator and see what we get.

Monica LeMoine said...

Shaz: whether they actually work, remains to be seen. Still, I'm certainly not going to give up flour while the experts are deciding!

Viktoria: I knew you'd appreciate this one, you little baker you.

Michelle: I really dig your last suggestion. Yes, let's put them into the recipe generator.

jen said...

i want to know why noodles are listed in the recipe if step 4 is to throw them away.

seriously, where do you find this stuff?

Monica LeMoine said...

Well, there must be SOME purpose to those noodles. I think it's to generate a noodle-ish aroma in the air that fits well with the rest of the dish.