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Saturday, December 27, 2008

The Holi-daze

Greetings, KuKd Mommas and Guests!

Christmas: supposed to be a sad and poignant time of year for us dead baby-mommas. Amazingly, it's been one year and four months since I called my friend J to tell her I was measuring bigger than normal, and going in for a extra ultrasound just to check things out. My voice sounded high pitched to my own ears, taut. You'll be fine, she told me. My sister-in-law measured big, and she just had a big baby. I pretty much believed her, because the idea of something going wrong yet again was truly outside the realm of possibility, and because I loved this child, sluggish movements and all. I wasn't going to lose someone I loved.

And of course, the unthinkable did happen. My doctor mentioned "scrotum" as she told me, and more than our baby's imminent death itself, all I could think about was why the hell did you just tell me the gender? We weren't planning on finding out, remember? Not that it mattered in the end, of course. We were going to find out, turning our baby into a boy or a girl instead of a genderless baby.

So now, Christmas. I can say I felt occasional flashes of something sting inside, wistful, a cold awareness of being without my children, either of them. K's mom sitting on the sofa in her Christmas sweater - the cheezy kind that moms like to wear. All of us around the table, eating gravy-laden meals. Opening presents, stuffing ourselves with wine and Hickory Farms cheese and sausage. A hurtful understanding of Zachary not being there - especially him, since he's the one I felt moving, existing, turning. Awareness something not having turned out the way I wanted, against all odds. Followed, always, by amazement:

I survived, we survived, even in the face of something I never thought survivable - and I'm not unique in this achievement. People go through shit, and they survive. It happens all the time - just look at the gals who I met at my "healing retreat for women." That is, really, the most amazing thing about human life there is.

Isn't it relieving to know that we can get through such things intact? I think it is.


*~*Bodhi~*~Englightenment*~* said...

Damn straight we can get through things know why?

Because as short and long term ttcer's we are tough as hell....we have to be, not only to get ourselves through the journey BUT to get each other through it as well because without the support of our fellow Infertility Sisters we'd all be loopy by now!!

I'm so glad you had what sounds to be a peaceful Christmas....I hope 2009 brings you all your heart desires...



Michelle said...

Exactly. Well said my friend well said!

Cara said...

Yup - we are really the strenth and salt of the earth, aren't we? There should be an alternative category that designated a near impossible achievement in the world: "Parents who kept on keeping on after losing a child".


Monica LeMoine said...

Yes, thank you all for getting it. It's just true - we are stronger than we think. I, for one, never realized how resilient we really are.

sharonvw said...

Too true Mon!!!
I think this journey has taught us all that we're a lot tougher than we give ourselves credit for!

sharonvw said...

Too true Mon!!!
I think this journey has taught us all that we're a lot tougher than we give ourselves credit for!