Greetings, KuKd Mommas and Guests!
Christmas: supposed to be a sad and poignant time of year for us dead baby-mommas. Amazingly, it's been one year and four months since I called my friend J to tell her I was measuring bigger than normal, and going in for a extra ultrasound just to check things out. My voice sounded high pitched to my own ears, taut. You'll be fine, she told me. My sister-in-law measured big, and she just had a big baby. I pretty much believed her, because the idea of something going wrong yet again was truly outside the realm of possibility, and because I loved this child, sluggish movements and all. I wasn't going to lose someone I loved.
And of course, the unthinkable did happen. My doctor mentioned "scrotum" as she told me, and more than our baby's imminent death itself, all I could think about was why the hell did you just tell me the gender? We weren't planning on finding out, remember? Not that it mattered in the end, of course. We were going to find out, turning our baby into a boy or a girl instead of a genderless baby.
So now, Christmas. I can say I felt occasional flashes of something sting inside, wistful, a cold awareness of being without my children, either of them. K's mom sitting on the sofa in her Christmas sweater - the cheezy kind that moms like to wear. All of us around the table, eating gravy-laden meals. Opening presents, stuffing ourselves with wine and Hickory Farms cheese and sausage. A hurtful understanding of Zachary not being there - especially him, since he's the one I felt moving, existing, turning. Awareness something not having turned out the way I wanted, against all odds. Followed, always, by amazement:
I survived, we survived, even in the face of something I never thought survivable - and I'm not unique in this achievement. People go through shit, and they survive. It happens all the time - just look at the gals who I met at my "healing retreat for women." That is, really, the most amazing thing about human life there is.
Isn't it relieving to know that we can get through such things intact? I think it is.