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Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Where Have All the Hot Guys Gone...

Greetings, Inquisitive Guests and Various Shades of Momma!

Can we talk about fluff for a minute? The last two posts have been so...well...dramatic. It's time for something light to bolster the mood. Of course, I wouldn't exactly say the subject of HOT GUYS is "light." This is serious stuff, not "fluff" at all. So forget what I just said.

Normally, looking at "Cosmopolitan's Hottest Guys of Whatever Year" would be pure delight. And yet, I was dismayed to scroll through the TOP THIRTY in the official 2008 list this morning, only to find that NOT ONE DUDE'S FACE caught my eye. Seriously! Is there something wrong with me, or are guys just not that hot anymore? This never happens.

Let's begin with Robert Pattinson, a person I've never heard of before, listed in the number one hotness slot:

Really? To me, he looks like some kind of washed-out Duran Duran backup singer with too much hair product. The look on his face is one of either "bend over and let me spank you" or "I'm so hot, I'm going to wave my Duran-Duran drum stick and cast my spell of hotness over you."

Moving on.

Chace Crawford? Who IS this person, and why am I stuck looking at someone who really belongs on a glossy poster taped inside of a smitten schoolgirl's locker? Okay. He's not as scary as Robert Pattinson, but his face has a botoxy-surgical look to it, and his name is a bit too soap-opera-ish for my tastes.

Ding! Next.

I swear. If I see one more photo of Zac's boyish mug, I think I might hurl. Zac Efron: at least I've heard of the guy, I'll give him that. But by now, his purported hotness has become so cliche that - out of spite - I simply cannot bring myself to agree. It's the same reason why for the longest time I never saw Titanic: everyone and their grandma, shrink, and dog just loved it.

By the way, as an aside, if you imagine Zac Efron wearing a beehive blond hair-doo wig, doesn't he kind of look like a psychotic beauty salon customer? "Frost my hair right now, honey, or I'll shoot."

Ding! The search for True Hotness continues.

Newsflash: just because you're a Bond man, doesn't mean you're automatically hot. Honestly, is this guy hot? I've never quite thought so. He actually kind of looks to be "in character" in this picture, what with that sharp, sleek, spy-like look, as though he never slipped out of Bond mode. His pectorals are noteworthy, I'll concede to that, and I'd take him over that 8-year-old Zac Efron.

Moving down the line...

EVERYone knows who this guy is, right? It's the amazing, the spectacular, ED WESTWICK! Is it me, or does he kind of resemble a ferret or an alley cat, caught in a drain pipe with a flashlight in its eyes?

Let's get out of here and let him slink away into the darkness. Next on Cosmo's list is some purse-lipped man named Penn Badgley.

His supposed claim to fame? "Not even Gossip Girl costar and recent Cosmo cover girl Blake Lively could resist this man in (school) uniform."

God, I can't believe I didn't know that.

Again, I'm sorry, but he is simply not what I would consider a hot man. Even if he were in school uniform, I'm pretty sure I would resist him. I would put a wad of gum under his desk and stick out my tongue in his direction.

And finally:

Ah yes, of course: the infamous Jonas Brothers, whoever they are. Cosmo quotes: "This year, we couldn't have stopped talking about the Jonas Brothers if we tried." Why not? I don't understand. Did they cast their "spell of hotness" over you, Cosmo, like the first guy did? What's so incredibly great about them? I will concede that the kid on the far left - the one in the gray suit and gray tie - might be a looker when he gets older. But the middle one needs some help with his hair, and the one on the right has shoes that look like they're made of smashed Oreo cookies. What's more, they all look like high school seniors at a rich prep school, trying to act grown-up. Personally, I don't think that's very hot.

* * * * *
Maybe in my cranky, crotchety old state of marriedness, I've lost my taste for male hotness. Perhaps I'm morphing into a lesbian. Can that happen? Because it isn't hard to identify hot women.

But that's another post.


sharonvw said...

I have to agree, I don't think they're hot either, or perhaps the list of hotness is actually intended for teeny boppes, becaue Mr Bond aside, there doesn't seem to be a real man in sight and I'm ot into little boys!

'Murgdan' said...

No...seriously. Where have they all gone? The standards have OBVIOUSLY changed.

Megan said...

I feel the same way. I just assumed that it was another sign that I am getting old.

Monica LeMoine said...

Good - I'm glad I'm not the only cantankerous old scrooge around here in the guy-hotness department.

Brenna said...

AMEN!!! I don't get the trend toward guys who look like they wear more mascara and eyeliner and spend more time on their hair than I do.

And I'm not just saying that 'cause I could have been the babysitter for any one of those guys (except maybe Mr. Bond!). :)

Thanks for the chuckle.

Anabelle said...

Robert Pattinson is the fella that played Edward Cullen in the Twilight movie... if you've read the books and watched the movie you'd drool over him.. I do lol

Its a Twilight addict thing.

(read the books, they'll suck your will to do anything else...)

Viktoria said...

I agree with sharonvw excepting Mr. Craig they are all boys and I like MEN. And is it just me or do Chance and Zac look like they could be brothers? Variety please!

Cara said...

Oh God Monica - only you with your quick wit and 80's references can make me laugh-out-loud in a bakery where I'm SUPPOSED to be wearing my headphones and churning out great literary stuff.

Damn- that list sucked! Well - I do love a bond man, confindence maybe - I'd cave...I just know it.

Ok - back to work...I'm revieved!

Kristen said...

I wouldn't have even liked these guys when I was in high school.

jillkitchen said...

I agree, most of those guys are unappealing and way too young for me. But Christian Bale! They didn't include a very attractive photo of him, but just google IMAGE search his name and (aside from emaciated images of him from his role in the Machinist) you will see hotness.

Michelle said...

I really have to agree with you. These guys are NOT HOT! They left the hottest guy off of that list and so therefore I feel it is not a legit list. Where is my Matthew McConaughey?

B MoM said...

bleh! ditto to the comment about not into guys who appear to have spent more time on their hair, clothes and makeup than myself. What is this world comiing to?

Another Dreamer said...

LOL! I agree. Not really hitting my "hot" radar...

Robert though... is on the list because he played Edward Cullen. And he did a pretty good job of it, lol. So, lots of woman (mostly teenage girls) swoon at the mere mention of him.

I can get that... but the rest? Ummm, not much.

cori said...

btw - tom has a man-crush on daniel craig, so i'm sure he'll be happy to know that he never has to fight you for his attentions. ;) and i can't tell you how many photos of zac ephron my 9-year-old niece has over her walls. kinda reminds me of my days of papeing my wall with tiger beat magazine photos, except mine were of willy ames, scott baio and shawn cassidy.

chicklet said...

I didn't think Daniel Craig was hot til I saw him in a movie (a non-Bond movie). And sweetheart, you are SOOOOO missing out if you haven't discovered his hotness... let's just say he's a "tool in the toolkit" for me;-)

Barbara said...

Oh. And now I feel incredibly old because, apart from fellow Brit Daniel Craig, they all look like children to me!

I don't think you're allowed to try for a baby with a zimmer frame are you?

Anonymous said...

The only hot guys in this blog.. are Duran Duran.. and don't need a picture to know that .

Robert as Edward Cullen.. is pretty hot though.