Greetings, Inquisitive Guests and Various Shades of Momma!
Can we talk about fluff for a minute? The last two posts have been so...well...dramatic. It's time for something light to bolster the mood. Of course, I wouldn't exactly say the subject of HOT GUYS is "light." This is serious stuff, not "fluff" at all. So forget what I just said.
Normally, looking at "Cosmopolitan's Hottest Guys of Whatever Year" would be pure delight. And yet, I was dismayed to scroll through the TOP THIRTY in the official 2008 list this morning, only to find that NOT ONE DUDE'S FACE caught my eye. Seriously! Is there something wrong with me, or are guys just not that hot anymore? This never happens.
Let's begin with Robert Pattinson, a person I've never heard of before, listed in the number one hotness slot:
Really? To me, he looks like some kind of washed-out Duran Duran backup singer with too much hair product. The look on his face is one of either "bend over and let me spank you" or "I'm so hot, I'm going to wave my Duran-Duran drum stick and cast my spell of hotness over you."
Chace Crawford? Who IS this person, and why am I stuck looking at someone who really belongs on a glossy poster taped inside of a smitten schoolgirl's locker? Okay. He's not as scary as Robert Pattinson, but his face has a botoxy-surgical look to it, and his name is a bit too soap-opera-ish for my tastes.
I swear. If I see one more photo of Zac's boyish mug, I think I might hurl. Zac Efron: at least I've heard of the guy, I'll give him that. But by now, his purported hotness has become so cliche that - out of spite - I simply cannot bring myself to agree. It's the same reason why for the longest time I never saw Titanic: everyone and their grandma, shrink, and dog just loved it.
By the way, as an aside, if you imagine Zac Efron wearing a beehive blond hair-doo wig, doesn't he kind of look like a psychotic beauty salon customer? "Frost my hair right now, honey, or I'll shoot."
Ding! The search for True Hotness continues.
Newsflash: just because you're a Bond man, doesn't mean you're automatically hot. Honestly, is this guy hot? I've never quite thought so. He actually kind of looks to be "in character" in this picture, what with that sharp, sleek, spy-like look, as though he never slipped out of Bond mode. His pectorals are noteworthy, I'll concede to that, and I'd take him over that 8-year-old Zac Efron.
Moving down the line...
EVERYone knows who this guy is, right? It's the amazing, the spectacular, ED WESTWICK! Is it me, or does he kind of resemble a ferret or an alley cat, caught in a drain pipe with a flashlight in its eyes?
Let's get out of here and let him slink away into the darkness. Next on Cosmo's list is some purse-lipped man named Penn Badgley.
His supposed claim to fame? "Not even Gossip Girl costar and recent Cosmo cover girl Blake Lively could resist this man in (school) uniform."
God, I can't believe I didn't know that.
Again, I'm sorry, but he is simply not what I would consider a hot man. Even if he were in school uniform, I'm pretty sure I would resist him. I would put a wad of gum under his desk and stick out my tongue in his direction.
Ah yes, of course: the infamous Jonas Brothers, whoever they are. Cosmo quotes: "This year, we couldn't have stopped talking about the Jonas Brothers if we tried." Why not? I don't understand. Did they cast their "spell of hotness" over you, Cosmo, like the first guy did? What's so incredibly great about them? I will concede that the kid on the far left - the one in the gray suit and gray tie - might be a looker when he gets older. But the middle one needs some help with his hair, and the one on the right has shoes that look like they're made of smashed Oreo cookies. What's more, they all look like high school seniors at a rich prep school, trying to act grown-up. Personally, I don't think that's very hot.
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Maybe in my cranky, crotchety old state of marriedness, I've lost my taste for male hotness. Perhaps I'm morphing into a lesbian. Can that happen? Because it isn't hard to identify hot women.
But that's another post.