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Sunday, February 8, 2009

I Love Being Called a Bitch!

Greetings, KuKd/TTC Mommas and Inquisitive Guests!

First of all, thanks - I guess - the many readers who assured me that yes, I will be able to walk the prego/non-prego line. I say "I guess" because now that I'm actually HERE, sitting reluctantly before my laptop with a bowl of milk-soaked Flax Flakes in my lap, after having made all those lofty campaign promises, I find myself wondering with great nervousness what I should actually write about today. Blogging is supposed to be a cathartic and joyful experience (isn't it?), and yet this somehow feels like what Obama must be going through right now: I said I'd fix this wacked-out country, but where on earth to I begin? I think I'll just put the U.S. economy on hold for a while, put my feet up on this ancient presidential desk, and order a whiskey on the rocks from the White House servants.

That's what I'd do, anyway (too bad Flax Flakes are nowhere near as exciting as whiskey on the rocks).

I want to begin my journey along the tightrope by sending a shout-out over to Chicket, who called me a bitch, and is therefore a PERFECT infertility-fighting candidate to meet me halfway along that tightrope.

A bit of background, and then you'll understand how beautiful and perfect her bitch-calling move was. Chicklet is one of those true TTC warriors who has been through the reproductive ringer, so to speak. Or non-reproductive, to put it more accurately. Check out her list of battles, or battle wounds, or failed battle tactics, which I personally think she ought to wear like medals of honor, or tattoo to her forearms:

"01-02/2009: IVF#3 (Menopur) cancelled and converted to IUI#4... still TBD if it's BFN or BFP. 12/2008: Hysteroscopy. 08/2008: FET#1 (Estrace). 04-05/2008: IVF#2 (Repronex & Gonal-F). 11-12/2007: IVF#1 (Bravelle & Repronex). 09/2007: Clomid + IUI#3. 08/2007: Clomid + IUI#2. 07/2007: Clomid + IUI#1. 05/2007: Switch RE's. 04/2007: Clomid#4. 03/2007: Clomid#3. 02/2007: Clomid#2. 01/2007: Clomid#1. 11/2006: Laparoscopy. 10/2006: First (of many) Blood Tests. 09/2006: HSG & Sperm Analysis. 05/2006: Started becoming certifiable. 11/2005: Pulled the Goalie."

All of this, and still no kid. I don't know what half this stuff means (and I'm not saying this in a "lucky me" kind of way), but I do know enough to sense the badness and frustration of it all, the emotional and financial expense. At times, the urgent anger and disappointment in her blog is palpable, which isn't a surprise.

What IS a surprise is how - even in the face of her own reproductive woes, Chicklet manages to maintain a wicked sense of humor, as evidenced in her response to my knocked-up news:

*I will continue to read your blog, "regardless how annoyingly whiny you become:-) Congrats. Really. You bitch;-)"

When I read her remarks, a great epiphany sank down into my brain like a the cloudy top of a lemon meringue pie: THAT'S IT! Right there, what Chicklet just said and the precise tone that she used, is EXACTLY how pregnant women and wannabe pregnant women should talk to one another! Affectionate, yet not sugar-coated. Kinda-sorta-happy. And yet, with cutting edge sarcasm that indicates a deeper closeness and mutual respect, clearly conveying truth of which both parties are painfully aware, not denying it for a second:

You're pregnant and I'm not, bee-yatch.

I only have one potentially similar experience to compare this to. It was when N (who, for those of you who haven't been on this blog since the beginning, was my best-prego-buddy-due-the-same-week-that-Zach-was-due-but-went-on-to-have-her-baby-and-left-me-behind, that-lucky-ass-bitch), announced to me that she was pregnant AGAIN. This announcement came during a weak moment when I myself was semi-attempting, without success, to get knocked up. Not knowing what to say, I sent her an e-mail that read something like this:

"Congrats, I guess. Still two to zero, for now. Don't let it get to your head, dude - I'll catch up eventually!"

This isn't as profoundly cool as Chicklet's remark, though. Absolutely, positively perfect.

Chicklet, you have taught all of us a bit more about the value of humor and profanity when there simply isn't anything else to say.


'Murgdan' said...

Love it. And so well said. **of note, it's all about the intonation and inflection as to whether or not you can get away with calling one a 'bitch' or 'bee-yotch' is always said with the utmost affection/jealousy.

I hope people start calling me a whiny bitch in a few months.

m said...

I heart profanity, particularly as it relates to IF. For a long time I had tried to avoid it on my blog (what? so I could be family-friendly?) oh I don't know. But lately, it just feels great to let a big o' FUUUUUUCK off my tongue. Even nicer to see it in print.

Oh yeah, congrats and all that.

Brenna said...

I'm happy to call you names too if it helps. I'm out of practice, though--neenerhead, schmozer dozer, "you with the beard" (which could be either my husband or my dog)--that's about all I've got. I'm with Murgdan, hoping to join the gaggle of whiny bitches some time soon!

Cara said...

Ok - now THAT is exactly what I used to try and explain to my mother when my friends and I would say rude or totally inappropriate things to each other, followed by a head-roaring laughter! (to no avail by the way) The first time she saw the words - dead - baby - mom- on my blog I think she hearly had a heart attack!

Here we go - ready for the ride?

Hope's Mama said...

just proving I'm still here, still reading. Told you I wasn't going anywhere. Bitch. (You said I could).

Michelle said...

OMG Monica I can't believe it! I am so very excited and happy for you! I am also very upset because for some reason I never got the update of when you posted your last post. So I did not even know until just now. :( That bums me out. (I thought it had been a while since you last posted) Anyway, congrats and I will still continue to read because I love you and your writing. Although I may not always have a comment when your speaking about pregnancy related stuff because I do not have much knowledge in that area (except of the unhappy variety).But be assured I WILL be reading and I WILL be CHEERING you on the WHOLE WAY. I think you will be able to walk that line and do a good job at it! Every time I see someone that has success who has been though what you have been through...what I have been through, it makes me so happy and hopeful...and also jealous as hell! I know you are cautious and with every reason to be so. So I will be REALLY & TRULY excited for you! YAY!

Heidi said...

"with cutting edge sarcasm that indicates a deeper closeness and mutual respect, clearly conveying truth of which both parties are painfully aware, not denying it for a second" My favorite quote from this post!

I'm struggling to find a way to put the word bitch into this comment but I guess I'll have a few more opportunities in your upcoming posts to do that- I'm counting on you. For now a hearty CONGRATS! on getting knocked up. Welcome to the world of conflicting simultaneous emotions- happy/sad. Good luck with resolving those.

Yes the cramping (and bleeding) can be normal, except for me it was twins. Hope I didn't just jinx you ;) Honestly wishing you all the best and am excited about the journey. I will be reading!

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