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Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Rainy Thoughts

Greetings, KuKd Strong Mommas and Inquisitive Guests!

Rain is coming down in big, gray droplets, and my throat is a tiny bit sore. I'm still in my fluorescent-lit office at 5:10pm, which, as those of you in academia know, is WAY too late to be at work. I ought to be home now, lounging around in K's prison-issued* sweats, which are big and baggy and comfy. And something about the fact that they're prison-issued makes them feel especially interesting.

* For of you who don't know, K teaches adult basic skills at a prison. A real prison, where prisoners live. Real prisoners, the kind who do bad things and therefore end up in prison. They also do crazy things, those prisoners. One of those very prisoners cut his penis off with a razor blade last week; it even made the local news. I tell K he should be thankful to work in a place where such riveting thing happen.

Anyway, I'm thinking of blighted ovums, Krispy Kreme donuts, tall lattes, and Kate Winslet in no particular order. I really should be grading papers or running out to catch my bus home. But the thought of going out into that cold, rain-droppy darkness is sooooo not appealing...

Does anyone else think about time in the shape of a tunnel? When you think about the past and the future, what do you see? I remember my linguistics professor explaining that there are people who think about time - whole years or days or stretches of time - in a pictoral sense, and people who don't. I'm one of the ones that do. There is a word for people like us; I forget what it is. It has to do with being this-brained or that-brained.

What I see when I think about time is a tunnel going in either direction before me and behind me, super-wide right in front of me, and getting narrow in the distance, divided into colored sections that mark either seasons or certain time periods in my life. The colors don't really match typical season-like colors, like gray-ish silver for winter or orange-red for fall. They're more like the colors I associate with what I was feeling during that particular time period.

The past two years of my past-time tunnel are filled with flecks of blue-gray and black. Those colors mark the first time in my life of loving, losing, learning. I know; doesn't that sound so Hallmark greeting card Midwestern? Loving, losing, learning. But that's really what it was. When you get pregnant, you love. When you lose it, you lose. And then you learn: holy shit, this is what real love feels like, and what it feels to lose something or someone. I had never lost anyone or anything before that time, not really.

But it's not all blue and black flecks. There are some warm reds and oranges swirled in, happy and satisfying times, changes in my work and personal life that took place and have been ultimately positive forces in my life. It's just that the colors in this section of tunnel seem more...grown up some how. Aged a little, swirled with wrinkles. Kind of Ralph Lauren's line of autumn paints.

The 4-5 year stretch before THAT - if I look waaaayyyy back down that tunnel into the past - is lit up in rainbow colored sections, like some kind of candy land. Just lights and carefree joys all around - lots of happy trips and sex and parties and booze. Invincibility.

The thing is, I can never tell what the color of my tunnel of time is in the place where I'm actually standing. I mean, I can look ahead and look back, but I just can't seem to ever place where I am. What I can say now, though, is that I'm in a light place - comfortable and happy colors - feeling strong and good and generally okay with my life. I feel as though I've emerged from the blue-gray flecked section of tunnel and landed somewhere else - I'm just not sure where that "else" is exactly.

By the way, I've asked K about how he thinks of time, and he basically pictures words on flat, white planes. Logical: like "this is summer. That was 1995. Those were the Peace Corps days." Isn't that weird? Totally different views of time. His is probably more logical than mine.

Not surprising, for lately it's become apparent that my favorite males on earth are the logical kind who only say what needs to be said.

Okay, out into the rain...


Michelle said...

I am glad that you have landed in a good place. For me I think about time as movie trailers with the person who talks about the movie included. It's weird I know.

sharonvw said...

Hey Mon, I also see time in a pictoral sense. Mine is also tunnel like but with partitians stretching in front of me and if I turn around I can see behind me. What lies ahead is all a pale blue shade, yet to be discovered, what lies behind is also varying in colours but the last few years are a pale shade of grey. Go figure!!!


Cara said...

Whew - that was one amazing post Mon. I love the way you see time - see, being the optimal word there. Yes, logistics have some place in this format of our past, present, futureness...but after loss time becomes an emotional realm too.

Glad your colors are light right now. There's an explosion of bright, sharp colors going on here in Vermont. It's not the right time of year for fireworks, is it?


Brenna said...

Gorgeous post! I feel like I've been in your time tunnel before. I love the colors describing your emotional places--I'm a very color-oriented person too. My time is more like beads on a chain, with each bead containing very specific images. Unfortunately there are some pretty big gaps on my chain here and there, because I'm irresponsible with my time (or have been, in the past) and lost some beads along the way. I'm trying to cherish them more now and in the future. I hope the sun comes out today and that you continue in your space of light.

Monica LeMoine said...

Glad there are some others who share my tunnelistic vision of time. Oh, I should add that my color sections ARE sort of seasonal in a climatic sense too - the summer sections are usually lit up with sunlight, greens and turquoise blues, both in present and past. Forgot to mention that oh-so-important fact.

Lani said...

oh my god! i try to explain the calendar of time in my head to chris all the time and he thinks i'm crazy. i don't see mine as colors really- just as one giant calendar that goes around and i can picture where i am on it and the future and the past. but its only one year at a time and based on the school year.
when i was pregnant, anything beyond sept was a blank calendar, i had no clue what to expect. now i have things filled in, like what if i get pregnant this month, what i'd be like in july and then when i'd be due. its insane really. i picture it all relating to the pregnancy and how i'd deal with it in my life depending on what season it is or whatever else is going on.

its kind of fucked up now that i'm thinking of it. it never had to do with pregnancy until we started trying to get pregnant. ugh. ok, now i'm depressed. (not really but this really just brought to light some major issues)

its cool though that you are in a pretty happy peaceful color time. i love the visuals you just gave me.