Two nights ago, I awoke at 2am after initially closing my eyes at 11:30, and never went back to sleep. The rest of the night was spent frittering away the hours, dipping into my book project, Googling useless things like "dude ranches" and "Ryan Gosling," rearranging house plants, and poking in and out of Facebook while Kevin slept with obnoxious ease. Which resulted in one of those completely surreal, achingly tired and spacey, sleep-deprivation-hangovers that you get after pulling an all-nighter in college.
Remember those days? Back when pull an all-nighter to plow through ten zoology chapters, perhaps punctuated by a midnight run to Denny's for pancakes, was considered a novel and cool idea? Well, screw that. I need my sleep. It was only through infusing my body with a series of stimulants yesterday that I was able to prop up my brain and function with relative normalcy: plenty of Dark Elixir, of course, including a large mug in the morning and a triple-shot latte before our staff meeting, followed by a fair amount of beer and wine later that evening. Tonight I slept fine, and am feeling caught up, praise sweet jesus.
This prompted me to write a Dark Elixir-related post that I've been meaning to for a while.
Every once in a while, somebody posts a comment to this blog that seems to come out of left field. Nothing hateful or overtly disturbing (yet...knock on wood); just something that make me scratch my head and wonder if the commenter actually bothered to READ any part of this blog before speaking up.
The best example is one that was posted in response to There's a Brick On My Brain, in which I was lamenting my own self-imposed ban on coffee consumption, for the sake of making a baby (for the record, I'm currently going through an "I don't want a god-damned baby" stage, so just try to follow along without getting as confused as I perpetually feel). My rationalization in giving up something I loved being addicted to was my sense that:
Caffeine coats a woman's ovaries in some kind of anti-pregnancy, pro-miscarriage film of slime and makes us forever infertile.
Admittedly, it was a short lived experiment in torturous self-deprivation for the sake of contributing to the world's overpopulation problem, and I was back on coffee the next day, which I probably bragged about in a twisted "addicted-n-proud" kind of way, as depicted in my very next post, "Devastating News:"
It saddens and embarasses me to report: I caved. It happened fifteen minutes ago. I needed inspiration to write the next chapter of my book, and some energy to get ready for tonight's cocktail party. But that brick on my brain was blocking any sort of motivation to do anything other than sit and stare at the wall. And then, the espresso machine ten steps away started calling my name.
"Monnnnnnnicaaaaaaaaaaa," it said in a deep and womanly voice. Hypnotizing, with undertones of evil, like the witch in Snow White. I ignored it at first. "A double latte...just two little shots...won't hurt you or your uterus. Come here, my pretty!"
Here is what some random dude posted in response:
Caffeine addiction shows up when a person cannot stop consuming caffeine in high amounts, causing his/her body to demand the substance and react negatively if that no caffeine is intake. Some people find it very hard to function well without at least one cup of strong coffee or tea in the morning. The stimulating effects of caffeine are caused by a central nervous reaction, the heart rate increases, blood vessels expand and the brain receives more oxygen. These caffeine effects can last for up to 8 hours, and once they go off then the body feels extremely lazy and slow as a side effect.
Caffeine addiction can cause death, mainly because the abuse of any stimulant can cause high blood pressure or and heart problems, so if you abuse of it chances are you put yourself at the highest risk of a heart attack.
You need to be careful with caffeine withdrawal because it affects your overall health and therefore, you need to control your consumption of caffeinated products to prevent your body reactions to caffeine withdrawals. If you need more information about caffeine effects and caffeine addiction symptoms or prevention, please investigate a little further on this topics. You can find more info at: http://yourcaffeineaddiction.com/
Now, I realize that new people come over to this blog from time to time, and read a post without having any context other than that one isolated post, and then get the wrong impression from reading that post alone. Understandable. But this particular response made me laugh, because it showed such a huge ignorance of not just my attitude toward caffeine, but of the ENTIRE TONE AND STYLE OF THIS BLOG!
Dude, I would have told him if I knew who he was, this is really not that serious of a blog, or some kind of medical forum. I mean it is, but it isn't. Honest to god, do I really sound THAT torn up about going back on coffee, or THAT serious about stopping drinking it in the first place? Going back and re-reading those posts, I was like, is that truly the impression I give - that I'm waiting for somebody to leap in with some scientific information to save me from my self-destructive habit?
Furthermore, do you really think it's a good idea to tell a dead-baby-momma who is already tremendously, irrationally fearful of death and cancer and car accidents, and who is now finally getting away from that mode of thinking, to tell me that coffee causes death?
All I could really think was that this guy is some kind of anti-caffeine-website marketer who Googles things like "weak-ass people who are addicted to coffee" as solid sales targets. What a strange job, to try to get people to stop doing something as silly and benign as drinking coffee. I could see doing this with people who are...I don't know...killing kittens. But drinking coffee?
For the record, according to this very legit website:
Death from a caffeine overdose has usually involved accidental administration by hospital personnel of caffeine by injection or by tablet, or suicide using caffeine-containing tablets. The acute fatal dose of caffeine taken by mouth is at least 5,000 mg-the equivalent of about 40 strong cups of coffee consumed in a very short period of time. Thus, death from a coffee "binge" is unlikely.
Hellooooooo!!! I'm not at 40 cups a day yet. I'll let you know when I get close. And one more zinger for ya:
Caffeine has also been used as an aid to fertility. A major cause of human infertility is sperm that are not mobile enough to reach and fertilize the egg. Studies of nonhuman mammals have shown that when caffeine is added to semen it can increase the mobility of their sperm and enhance fertilization. At least one recent study suggests that, in fact, fertility too is enhanced by caffeine. According to the findings, women are twice as likely to become pregnant if prior to artificial insemination caffeine is added to the semen of their infertile mates.
Take that, random anti-coffee dude who copies and pastes irrelevant, not to mention scientifically inaccurate, information onto other people's blogs! I hope there's more where that came from, something to give me great fodder for amused delight.