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Monday, April 13, 2009

Fragments

The world likes you better when you're perpetually happy and optimistic, when you have a good life, when you like your life. I'd say that overall, honest-to-god, I fit that bill. Still, there are a few little things that get to me. I can handle them one at a time, a little thorn pricking my side here and there, like a single dark cloud way off to the side of the sky.

But once in a while the vectors of all of them come together at the exact same time, forming one gray mass over head, weighing me down. Yesterday and today, thoughts have come to me in fragments like this, forming a stress ball inside my stomach:

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I dry-swallowed a Claritin pill on the bus this morning, and I swear I can still feel it lodged in my throat, way down deep before it hits my stomach. That was six hours ago. I hope it's not burrowing into my flesh down there.

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I'm overly busy, overly tired, overly caffeinated. I do it to myself, and really ought to stop and just live. It feels sometimes like I'm scrambling to keep myself from thinking too hard about painful things.

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Sometimes I feel the urge to get "Zachary" tattooed somewhere discreet, like on my left butt cheek. But what for? Just because I get there weird cravings for motherhood, longings for what used to be, and it's the only tangible thing I can think of to reinforce that mother/son connection that now seems so frail and tenuous? A tattoo seems like a dumb substitute. I wish there was another way.

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I don't really cry anymore, and sometimes wish I could/would. I've sort of forgotten how.

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Why are babies so much more welcome than dogs in this world? Why is it $150 each way to shove your small, half-sedated dog under the airplane seat in front of you, but free to bring a screaming baby on your lap? It makes me feel like the one outlet I have for channeling pent-up motherly energy is somehow inferior or invalid.

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We bought our house at the peak of its value, thinking a baby was on the way, believing - of COURSE - that a cute house with a cute yard was an integral part of our baby-having life.

If Kevin loses his job, we're screwed.

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My parents are perfectly set up to have grandchildren. It feels like the big unspoken thing that everyone is aware of: if a grandchild were here, Mom would retire, Dad would be rejuvenated, and family gatherings would have a new element of delight. Holidays make me feel responsible for facilitating that. I wish I had a sister to share in this self-imposed burden. In fact, I wish I had a sister to do ALL of the girly things my mom likes to do - like shop and get mani-pedicures at the mall and watch Sex and the City and play Bunko with the ladies. I've never enjoyed those things, and sometimes I feel like an old scrooge for not going along with them just to indulge my mother.

Oh, this fantasy sister of mine would also crank out babies, so I could relax a bit.

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Baby announcements are pouring into our mailbox. Must be baby-making season. That's all I'm going to say about that.

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I figured out where to get birth control pills, determined to start them this month. Then I panicked and started questioning myself. Putting that idea on hold until I have a sense of what I really want out of my 33-year-old life.

9 comments:

mrsmoore08 said...

I know how you feel about the whole baby/dog air travel situation! I'm having to work through that right now

m said...

***

Argh. I can't un-knot your stomach balls, but if it helps at all, you're not alone.

(Sometimes I feel better if I just say that word over and over again: BALLLLLS)

Monica LeMoine said...

M: hang on, let me try: BAAAALLLLLLLS. BAAAAAALLLLLSSSSS.

Actually yeah - that was kind of therapeutic in a weird way. I'll try it again on my bus ride home.

Bottoms Off said...

If I lose my job we are screwed too. If Tony loses his we are just uncomfortable. Yeah feminism!

Oh yeah. I am also responsible for living up the family gatherings. Luckily my sister tries to make up for my lack of child by acting really immature.

Hope your pill unlodges.

Me said...

Hang in there, kiddo.

sharonvw said...

I feel anxious just reading your list of anxiety causing thoughts!

*~*Lis*~* said...

seriously you have to pay for the dog? I kinda thought dogs on laps were free? No fair!

Hope the clouds part soon my friend.

Lani said...

ugh. i feel your pain. i do have a sister and she is good that way. though i'm the oldest in my fam (at almost 38) and still no other grandchildren. i feel badly for my parents. they are soooo ready. beyond ready- its almost unbearable.

marty said...

Word to all of this.

Hope the Claritin pill dislodged.