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Sunday, June 7, 2009

KuKd Theme Song

Hello, Janis Joplins and Bob Dylans!

I've always liked to sing in the shower, but I've never been a songwriter. At least, I wasn't until I got embroiled in the KuKd shit storm of 2006-2007, when I finally had something to write songs about.

One day, I began writing folk songs in my head. I don't even like folk music that much - I'm more of a bass-thumping-booty-shaking-hip-hop kind of person. Still, the words came to me during my long drive to work, gelling in my brain without much thought, as though propelled by some sort of cosmic force of nature. As green freeway signs and Mount Rainier and shiny Mini Coopers whizzed by, I began belting these songs out to myself while going 70 miles an hour - mouth wide open and eyebrows scrunched together - not caring if the person in the lane beside me thought I looked like was having a solo orgasm in the car.

Then, a few weeks ago, Kevin and I were in Portland, Oregon for a spades-playing-and-beer-drinking excursion with friends, when we passed by this:



Standing there outside the store window, I suddenly remembered my folk songs. I could see those songs hovering inside my head like dusty little blobs of music notes, bored and wishing somebody would pay attention to them. I had this fleeting image of myself as Janis Joplin, sitting up on stage with a spotlight on me, singing my little ditties with Zachary applauding wildly from the MTV Realworld Penthouse for Bitchin' Stillborn Babes up above. I knew right then and there: I had to buy a guitar.

Not that I had any freakin' clue about HOW to play a guitar, but still. That was a minor detail that I figured would work itself out later. So I dragged Kevin into that store and asked if they had any lefty guitars on sale, and they did. So out came the credit card, and boom - suddenly I owned this instrument that I had no idea how to play.

Now, I should say that I did take piano lessons growing up and sang in school choir on and off, and lord knows I love to talk and yell (loudly), so I felt that turning myself into an overnight Dead Baby folk sensation wasn't nearly as implausible as it might seem.

So far, I've learned three chords. And - surprise, surprise - it is those exact three chords (whatever they are) that I decided do turn into the accompaniment for my very first song, "For Sure." I'm going to give you a sneak peek of my song, which I'm calling this Track 1 in the Knocked Up Knocked Down Folk Series.

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMERS: PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE GOING ANY FARTHER! IF YOU DO NOT READ THESE DISCLAIMERS LISTED BELOW, YOUR SHOES WILL CATCH ON FIRE IN FIVE MINUTES!

1) I just have to make clear that in real life, I don't have a lisp. NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT; I'm just saying that I personally don't have one. Because I made this video using not a video camera but a crappy regular old digital camera that happens to have a video feature, it sounds a little fucked up. I wouldn't even have put forth this disclaimer if Kevin hadn't burst out laughing while watching the video, that adorable jerk.

2) I suck at guitar. Seriously, I do - especially the rhythm of it. I'm taking lessons and working on it, okay? So cut this Dead Baby Momma some slack. Even if it's just because I'm a Dead Baby Momma (that is, under ordinary circumstances you wouldn't feel sorry for me at all but rather admonish me for daring to put my twangy, out-of-tune chords out there for the public to be embarrassed by), feel sorry for me and forgive the twang. If I ever get to use my KuKd Sympathy Card for some...yeah, sympathy (ding ding ding! I sense a new word for our Knocktionary!), it's now.

3) Apologies in advance for dropping the F-bomb. To all you stillborn babes listening from up there, it's only okay to do that if you're a grown-up, and only under appropriate circumstances. Got that?

All right, boys and girls. CLICK HERE for the video.


Oh, and in case you're the type of person who likes to read the lyrics on the CD cover and sing along, here you go.

"For Sure"

You might have been a bratty toddler,
Screamin' and throwin' your food.
You might have been a horrible speller,
With bad punctuation too.
You might have been a high school drop-out,
thinking school was only a bore.
You might have turned into a druggie,
living dirty and jobless and poor.

But I don't care what you might have been...
I just wish I could've known for sure.

You might have been obsessive compulsive,
counting every step that you took.
You might have been a Bill O'Reilly fan,
reading every one of his books.
You might have had issues with anger,
getting pissed off and slammin' the door,
You might have been a cleptomanic
stealin' money from my drawer.

But I don't care what you might have been...
I just wish I could've known for sure.

You might have been valedictorian,
president of your school.
You might have been a hottie like your dad,
making all the girlies drool.
You might have been a famous scientist,
discovering all kinds of cures,
You might have been idealistic,
Running off to join the Peace Corps.

But I don't care what you might have been
I'm tired of imaging what you might have been
I don't give a fuck what you might have been

I just wish I could've known for sure.

27 comments:

The Unproductive One said...

Oh Mon you are freakin awesome hon!! You've got a beautiful voice and your guitar playing is pretty impressive too!!

The words are gorgeous too...

I'm gonna link it on my blog!

xxxx

Emily said...

NICE! Sounds really great, I'm impressed!

Megan said...

Awesome. Keep em coming. I wish I could sing.

Brenna said...

You are way, WAY too cool for school. What lisp?! I didn't hear one. Your voice is really pretty to listen to, and honestly, I didn't think the guitar playing was bad. Granted I'm the opposite of musical (our choir teacher in high school tactfully told me that visual arts were my talent ;) but I can appreciate music I like when I hear it--and your music, I LIKE! It's a great song, Monica. Thanks for sharing it with us!

Michelle said...

Wow Monica, you never fail to impress me. That is AWESOME! I AM glad you clarified the lisp thing, LOL, but you would never know you only really knew 3 cords. Lovin' that song. When does the CD come out?

Kristen said...

That's awesome, Monica.

Me said...

I would never guess that you JUST started learning the guitar. Nice work on the playing, lyrics, and singing! Bill O'Reilly? --shudder--

Sara said...

WOW! Thank you so much for sharing that!

(and the things I learn here. . .never knew you were left-handed, or that you had a third nipple named Fred. . .)

aliza said...

i love it monica! seriously you have an awesome voice. i'm impressed. i've been wanting to play guitar for years, actually took it in highschool and almost failed...would love to hear more songs from you and it was great to see you in semi-real life.

and by the way wanted to plant a seed and let you know we'll be in seattle next month and would love to meet in real life if you are up to it.

xo

Cara said...

Oh My Freaking Goodness...well that just about settles it. The book tour and the cd launch will just have to co-inside.

Can you just see us dead baby momma groupies with our necklaces, bracelets and the like???

the misfit said...

Finally got to listen to this...you sing beautifully, and your guitar playing looks solid to me. I love it that Kevin is clapping for you at the end there.

You and Mel should go in on a CD together :).

Monica LeMoine said...

Thanks, y'all, for the encouragement. Be careful what you ask for; I just might keep singing. Ha! I have two more tracks lined up, to be unveiled gradually. Gotta space these things out, ya know.

Oh, and a song about upper arm fat. That one will be part of the "Most Hated Things" series. (upper arm fat on me, not on others. looks cute on others.)

jen said...

you are awesome. period. that's it.

shannon said...

Nice...what a great voice!

caitsmom said...

Great lyrics and tune fits so well!!! Nice work, but mostly thanks for sharing your heart with us. Peace.

Mendy said...

Just had a chance to listen to your song. SO GREAT!!! Your voice is REALLY good. Thank you for sharing it with us. I'm sure Zach is so proud of you.

I can't wait to hear the next one.

Chris said...

A heartbreaking work of staggering awesomeness...

Anonymous said...

Monica,
i just found you today. i've been reading your archives. where were you when i first found out about my anembroynic pregnancy 3 months ago? i just feel sad today and i needed a place where it's ok to still feel sad.

i have a 2 year old son...i was one of those moms with a cherub-faced baby who showed him off everywhere. i am so sorry to all of you who i probably hurt.

thanks for being here.

Doug said...

I wish you could have known too.

Monica LeMoine said...

ALIZA: dude, give me a shout-out and let me know when you're in town! monica@exhalezine.com

Kristen said...

I woke up in the middle of the night last night with this song stuck in my head.

Anabelle said...

ha I heart you :)

The Gonzo Mama said...

Mon, you MUST play/sing this in Chelan!!!! Say, "yes..."

Amy said...

I think you just sang all of the things I have thought for the last almost 19 months! I think this song "rocks!" Thank you for sharing with us all! Great lyrics and it made me cry to think, "I wish I could have known for sure!"

Lani said...

first of all, i can't believe you don't know how to play guitar, that was fantastic.

second of all, do you love liz phair? the exile in guyville liz? you remind me of her when you play.

third of all, i listened before i read the disclaimers and totally thought you had a lisp! lol.

lastly, i cannot wait for track 2

thanks for that. xo

Priscilla said...

Found your blog on Creme de la Creme.

That was awesome!! THANK YOU for sharing your heart and your music!!

Heather said...

I don't know how I missed this before, but this is great! I'm embedding this into my blog! Looking forward to the other tracks!