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Sunday, July 26, 2009

Feel the Peanutbutter, Baby!

Dear Little Ones Up in MTV Realworld Penthouse for Bitchin' Babes:

How's baby heaven?  Are you all behaving yourselves? 

For this week's update, I thought I'd explain yet another thing about this godforsaken planet that you're fortunate to miss: Costco.  Now, gather 'round and listen closely.  

Costco is a huge-ass chain store where huge-ass people go in their huge-ass cars to push huge-ass shopping carts through huge-ass aisles stocked with huge-ass quantities of edibles and non-edibles. Need a roll of toilet paper? Too bad. At Costco, you're buying 30 packed together. Need a knifeful of mayonnaise for your deli sandwich? Too bad - you're buying a 3-gallon jug of mayo, so you'd better start brainstorming now for future uses.  Supposedly it saves you money to buy in this manner - gigantic quantities for a lower cost per unit - but of course everyone's too exhausted and high on fluorescent lighting to actually whip out a goddamned calculator and do the math.

Among those goods was a gigantic, supposedly cheaper-than-the-small-size tub of peanutbutter - Adam's All-Natural, which I recently purchased on giddy, Costco-high impulse.  You know: the kind in which the oil separates on top, and you have to stir to mix it with the hardened, dry peanutbutter-matter on the bottom.

What the fuck did I need a gallon-or-more of peanut butter for?   Nothing.  The point is that it was about eight cents cheaper per tablespoon than a regular-sized jar from Safeway, the mere idea of which was so tantalizing that my arms grabbed the jar off the shelf on their own and tossed it triumphantly into my Texas-sized shopping cart, practically without any conscious thought.  I couldn't wait to get home and stir that shit up.

 Normally, you can easily mix the oil in with a few stirs. But it turns out that with a super-human size jug of the stuff, normal mixing mechanisms don't work so well.

Now, Kevin - who was against purchasing such an obscenely large quantity of peanut butter from the beginning (but it's SUCH A GOOD DEAL, I assured him!), had his morning bread toasted and ready to get nutter-buttered. And you can believe it - I was most certainly getting the told-you-so look from across the kitchen. So I decided to take matters into my own hands, literally.

First, I dumped the oil and some of its peanutty accoutrements into a bowl.

Next, I took the plunge, fancying myself as a human-mixer and cursing Costco for false advertising. Nobody warned me it would come to this!

Tebow looked on with great interest, as you can imagine. And after a bit of elbow grease, it was finally ready to go.

Notice the separated oil, which I kept having to reincorporate.  The whole process took about a half hour.

Finally, it resembled real peanut butter.  And with a small amount of hesitation, Kevin proceeded to spread a wee bit of this well-mixed peanut goodness onto his toast.  One tablespoon down; about nine hundred ninety-nine to go.  Boo-ya!

NOTE: Zachary and your babe-alicious dead baby friends - as you can see, Costco has its drawbacks, but in the end can lead to good things.  With this lifetime supply of peanut butter, there will be plenty left for me to drop some off at your doorstep on my way to grown-up heaven, whenever that journey takes place.  Best of all, it will be mixed - so you can not only eat it, but sculpt things with it.


Michelle said...

OMG that totally grosses me out because I can not stand peanut butter! I can't stand the smell or the taste!! EWWW.

I know I know I am not I have been told.

KuKd Chick said...

Michelle: WHAT??? You're right. You are not normal. That doesn't include peanutbutter cups, does it???

Megan said...

I purchased Revolutionary Road in an airport bookstore on our delayed Christmas vacation. I became soooo obsessed with this book and finished it on vacation. I couldn't wait to see the movie. I saw it in the theater the first day.

Unfortunately I loved the book so much that the movie had no where to go, but down. I can't wait to see the movie again with slightly lower expectations.

It is such a good story though...

'Murgdan' said...

Bwahahahahaha! Cracking the fuck up. Awesome. I can't stand when the peanut butter does that!

Also...are you sitting down? I actually wrote something for Exhale today.

Will send to you tomorrow. Have to do my 'day after' glance over.


Enjoy your peanut butter...looks like two years worth there.

Hope's Mama said...

I believe Costco is coming Down Under. Lucky us. I'll be rushing in to get me a turbo sized tub of peanut butter myself!
Girl, you are a scream. This was hilarious. Love the look on Tebow's face.
"Pwease Mama, can I just lick your hand? Can I, can I, can I???"

Pundelina said...

Eeeek! Now burned into my retina as fodder for future nightmares is the revolting picture of the oil and peanutty bits pouring into the bowl! That snapshot shall join the glimpses of '28 Days Later' and 'The Road' that are currently fuelling my nighttime adventures.

Well done to you for persevering!

sharonvw said...

Hahahahaha! That so grosses me out too!!
We have our own version of Costco here in SA called Makro, I never shop there anymore because my kitchen & pantry are too small for the big ass sizes they sell of everything!

Mirne said...

OK, that looks SOOOOOO gross. I don't like to see even a hint of oil anywhere NEAR my peanut butter. I probably would have thrown the whole jar away.

My husband and I saw "Revolutionary Road" at the cinema ... very surprising and intense film. Very shocking too I thought. Will be interested to hear your opinion.

Brenna said...

Michelle--you are not alone! I, too, am a non-peanutbutter-person. I can get behind other nutbutters (almond, for instance, or cashew) but I just don't care for the taste of the peanut. The images of Monica stirring up her giant VAT of peanutbutter did succeed in making me a bit nauseated, however. ;) I hereby permanently strike that treat from our Costco list (though we have a similarly sized vat of hummus in our fridge from Costco that may well be there when we move out in 5 years!)

And now, I must head to the library to see if I can reserve a copy of Revolutionary Road. The movie trailers had me intrigued, but I always choose a book over a move if given the option. Goody! I didn't even realize it had been a book first.

Logical Libby said...

If my husband knew how often I used my hands to mix things I don't think he would eat anything in our kitchen.

Not that my hands aren't clean. He's just a germ FREAK!

Rachael Taylor said...

I'm surprised you didn't get it all over your clothes! I certainly would have had to change (and take a bath) after that episode!

Wanna Bee said...

Love the PB story! And best of all loved the explaination of Costco for those not in the know!
There is a 12 yr old step child in my home who is beginning to eat massive amounts - maybe I need to go to Costco and use my Braun mixer on it!

U R awesome!

wifey said...

Oh wow that was a lot of work for some peanut-buttery goodness!

I'd only put in that effort if it involved heating up said peanut butter, mixing with hot fudge, and pouring it on some ice cream.

shit, now I need to go shopping.

Ya Chun said...

u have to take it to lowe's or HD to put it in the paint can shaker!

I wonder if one of those hand held smoothie mixes would work?

Liz Findrick said...

Monica-THIS CRACKED ME UP...thank you for making me laugh today!I am a frequent Costco shopper so easily understood the craziness of the amount of food one has to buy when there. I just started following your blog last week. I LOVE it!
Liz Findrick

Viktoria said...

Way to dig in. I loved this post. If Kevin's worried about the quantity just make cookies - that'll change his mind about bulk shopping. :)