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Monday, November 9, 2009

Comfort Zones and Cock-Blockers

Greetings, KuKd/TTC'ers Tribespeople and Inquisitive Guests!

Sometimes on this blog, I find myself tripping over words, wondering if certain feelings are okay to talk about. Like the great big pink box with the word "YAY!" on my last post. It was how I felt: yay. Holy yay, batman. But was it cool to be so yay-ish and all in public? Was it obnoxious of me? There was a point in writing that post when I sort of paused and looked out the window at Seattle's slate-gray sky, and thought: I'm tired of this post already. So I did myself a favor, at the very least, and kept it short. Ish.

A couple of weeks ago, some friends and I were sitting around the dining room table. One guy started to tell about some event coming up next week, stopped after the third word, and said: "Never mind. I'm already tired of my own story."

There are several things that make me feel that exact way whenever I talk about them in mixed company, and numero uno is my knocked-up-ness. Just plain tired my own story, like my lips are moving but really I'm thinking about bacon-wrapped bacon. Which is why I can't bring myself to say much about it here (pregnancy, not bacon), unless something really noteworthy is going on, like last week's first big heart test.

Oh, of course there are a very few key people I can vomit out words to about it for hours on end. I'm talking people like parents, husband, and two or three best-est of best-est friends who deliberately ask and want to know about the current condition of my uterus. And prego-buddies and their accompanying sperm-producers, who want to talk shop about names-n-stuff. To them, I can gladly give a shameless earful. But pregnancy? Here on this blog? With 99% of people in my life?


Here's my current theory as to why that's the case.

This past weekend I caught up on some much-neglected blog-o-reading. And let me tell you, not that you don't know this already: there is a lot of sad, painful stuff going on out there among this great big group of KuKd/TTC blog-o-peeps. Perfectly decent, wonderful, goregous, goodhearted and intelligent women miscarrying - people who want nothing more than the one thing that so many others produce so easily: a biological child. People's IVF treatments failing. People realizing that they might not ever get this thing they want. People grappling with huge issues that force them to really take stock of their lives, make hard decisions, and come to terms with loss in their own way.

Now, I simply can't read about...say...Shaz's or Parenthood for Me's stories, feel intensely sad about that - which I do - and then plop down on the sofa with a big smile on my face and crank out some story about: "WOO-HOO BABY! LOOK AT ME AND MY PREGNANT SELF! GOD, MY BOOBS ARE JUST ACHING AND ENGORGED WITH PRE-MILKY PLEASURE! MY VAGINA IS RIPE AND ACHING TO BE STRETCHED TO DIAMETER OF A SOCCER BALL!"

Totally oustide my comfort zone. The words don't come to me. Instead, what comes to me are things like: is it okay for me to feel this one thing? And write about it here? Or will I be throwing myself irrevocably off that tightrope-walk that us KuKd-prego-gals have to walk, that we all are faced with when our cervical mucus vaccums up sperm unexpectedly and suddenly - KABOOM - we have that "it" that others don't have, but want? How in the name of hellfucked hell does one pay homage to their own excitements and other people's non-excitements at the same time? And can I do it here?

Not that my comfort zone is the right zone or the wrong zone (more likely wrong, which I usually am). And not that I don't enjoy reading about others' pregnancy ups-n-downs and pregnancy ticker-like updates, living vicariously through them even.

It's just that for me, personally, to post on and on about my knocked-uppage would give me this icky, yucky feeling of having forgotten my roots, forgotten about the core group of people who read this blog regularly, who have supported me since day one and beyond even through their own continued ups and downs. It would be as though I've left my impoverished hometown and won the lottery, only to return in a brand new Escalade with all my fance schmancy jewelry and gadgets. That's how it would feel.

So I remain humble as I feel, keeping my feet planted in the firm, damp, root-filled earth:

rooted alongside the KuKd Tribe I had so much trouble finding in "real life," and - was lucky enough to discover here.

(By the way, just to hammer in this point again: please don't take that as this preachy-ass "would all you happy pregnant people stop talking about it, please?" sort of message. Dude, I'm the last person to give out messages about anything in particular. It's just like, this is my comfort zone. That's it. Just like eating bacon: in my comfort zone. Tofu-loaf: not.)

* * *

For the record, even if I WERE to post something prego-related, it would be something really superficial that nobody in their right mind wants to hear about, like how Kevin recently accused my pregnancy pillow (see image below) of being a cock-blocker.

A cock blocker!

Look, I really don't see how a gigantic Great-Wall-of-China-sized pillow, firmly enclosing my multiple-layers-of-flannel-clothing-over-Texas-sized-Hanes-bloomers-underwear body, preventing me and Kevin from coming within 15 inches of one another before, during, and after bedtime, would be considered a cock-blocker!

Seems a bit of an extreme accusation to make.


AnxiousMummy said...

Hey Mon I get what you are saying and I don't think that you are rubbing it in at all. I think you are walking the fine line quite admirably!
Also yes, that pillow is a total cockblocker!

Karen said...

I think you are very sensitive to how other mothers feel, Monica. I know I have other surviving children as I say that, but I do. You're a huge support to bereaved mothers. I'm happy for you and honestly felt like a stalker I checked your blog so many times for updates on that scan you had last week. I was so thrilled that all was well! You deserve it.

Re: the preggie pillow with a secret mission of sexual sabatoge....Hah! Now I know why my husband hated mine. He never articulated it that way but I bet that's it. Can't wait to ask him.

Wanna Bee said...

nice Pedi first of all . . .and thank you for continuing to write, the saddest thing for me is when my fav snarky bloggers get pregnant and are then "uninspired." It leaves such a hole.
that pillow pic is horrible! :o)

Shaz said...

Mon! Firstly, I think this post says a lot about the love and support that you continue to offer those of us still on the journey to getting/remaining knocked up! I agree, it is a fine line and you're balancing perfectly.
Secondly, I have to agree with wanna bee about "snarky" bloggers to get pregnant and then "uninspired"!

And thirdly, you know, you despite it all, you are allowed to enjoy & revel a bit in your pregnancy here as well.

angie said...

It is like you are reading my brain only more articulately and with less cuss words. Simply by dint of your writing something so compassionate, kind, and hilarious about such a tough topic, I think you show how much you love and care about this community and how much you appreciate pregnancy.

Oh, and that pillow is totally a cockblocker. I was wondering why my husband asked me to have sex everyday for a week to "reignite" our sex life. It is because he had to actually make a contract with me for some nookie, you know, before the pillow caressed me in its beautiful loving embrace. "Uh, husband who?"

Michelle said...

That is why I love you! You don't forget your roots! I do love to here about your success because it shows me it is possible. Something that is much needed in my world. I search out stories of people who have success after being KUKD x too many. I am afraid there is not enough of them but not all the time. I think you are doing a fantastic job!

Brenna said...

You're a truly fine tightrope walker, Monica! Consider the circus for your next career. I've always admired your mindfulness of your readers, of your history, of your roots in the ALI community. That said, you certainly deserve to celebrate a bit! Take that pillow of yours out to dinner or something... ;)

therootofallevel said...

you have such a way with words that you never come across as a dick. in fact, i admire the way you let us readers be apart of MFCTS's life without making us jealous or puke with all the details. i know when if i ever get knocked up again i will NEVER be able to balance my words like you.

so cheers m'dear. i look forward to reading more about you and MFCTS.

Reba said...

i think there does seem to be some pressure with your blog, i think because it is so well-written that it feels like it is very much "for us" instead of just "for you" and we're all peeping in. for some reason on mine i felt totally fine spouting off about all things (fears, mostly) pregnancy-related.

i must be the only woman in the world who did not get along well with her cock-blocker of a pregnancy pillow! 2 pregnancies, 1 pillow, no matter how many chances i gave it, it never failed to disappoint.

Hope's Mama said...

Here with everyone else to say I think you are doing a rockstar job of walking the tight rope. You are certainly not one who is taking it for granted and out there flaunting your belly. That said though, if you wanted to do that, you know that's ok, too. It is a good thing. And your story is your story. There will be many out there who while they are happy for you they are sad for them. Its just the way it is in this community, as much as it sucks. I so wish I could be some sort of pregnancy fairy, granting new pregnancies to all those women who are working so hard for them and getting no where. I swore black and blue I would not whinge about my new pregnancy, but it has been hard. I do have my whingey moments. But that's because it is hard. Being pregnant after a loss (and in my case a full term stillbirth) is most definitely the second hardest thing I have ever had to do. I wish I had half the grace and compassion you had to be a little easier on my loyal and struggling-to-be-knocked-up readers.
And maybe I should get me one of those pillows to keep my horny husband away and block his cock, so to speak, as sex has not been high on my agenda this time around! 37 weeks now though, and maybe a bit late for that....

the misfit said...

One of the things I love about the IFosphere/ALI blogosphere/whatever is the things you find you have in common with people that you were not expecting to have in common with anyone, ever.

Case in point: I don't have present need of a pregnancy pillow (actually I'd never seen one before and it's sort of fascinating). But right after my surgery, I was concerned that my dh would follow his standard practice of rolling over in the middle of the night and flopping his leg (in his sleep) across my abdominal area. He uses my entire body the way most people use a body pillow. Obviously, with abdominal incisions, this was not cool. So I fetched the actual body pillow from the guest bed and put it between us. He dubbed it "the Berlin Wall," and he whined about it excessively until it finally came down (when I was more healed up). The similarity amuses me...

Jill Kitchen said...

Oh my goodness, can people who aren't pregnant use those pillows? It looks like my dream pillow! Hope you are doing well, lady... Even if I don't always comment, know that I am always readings...

Alex said...

Hi just stumbled upon your blog while whoring around the the pillow, love the post.

jen said...

we called that pillow "my boyfriend." i much preferred sleeping with "him."

he he he. that pillow kinds looks like a cock!

Susan Rich said...

maybe we could get you one for your office? Maybe everyone in the building could use one?

KuKd Chick said...

Dude! Jen, that pillow totally does look like a cock! A weird, white, large fluffy one!

Anonymous said...

Nice story you got here. I'd like to read something more concerning that topic. The only thing I would like to see here is some pictures of any gadgets.
Katherine Flouee
Phone Blocker