Dear Male Fetus Causing my Torso to Swell (MFCTS):
This week, you will go on a field trip to the Fetal Medicine department to have exotic machines pressed up against the roof of your current dwelling. We will get to watch colored waves of whatever move toward and away from our your heart in green, red and blue spurts of tiny dots. Those green, red and blue spurts of dots will get transferred to a moving line on monitor, which we will stare at dumbly alongside a bunch of people who are WAAAAYYYY smarter than you and me combined. And from that monitor, a bunch of crazy numbers will be generated, which will be charted and reviewed by even SMARTER people, if you can imagine. And then, someone will call us into a fluorsecent-lit room and tell us you're either okay, or you're not.
Why go through all of this? Well, look downward. See that tiny clump of appendages? Those are called your penis-n-balls, otherwise known as your Package, otherwise known as your Family Jewels. Cherish them, because they could end up getting you lots of girls in the future and possibly even a starring role in a porn flick. On the other hand, feel free to hate them, because they are what makes you a Male Fetus. And because you are a Male Fetus, you have high odds of being the keeper of an X-linked genetic heart problem. X-linked means it came from me, a fact about which you can give me flak for later (just know that for every bit of flak that you give, I'll put one dollar less in your college savings fund).
So, the machine pressed against the top roof of your current dwelling is simply something that the smarter-than-us people said we need to do, to check to see how the waves of whatever are going in and out of your heart. We'll do it now, and several times in the future - so get used to it.
Goodness, how terribly I, and everyone in our cautious family, want the news to be: everything is okay. If it's not, the contingency plan is to ditch work for a week, fly to wherever, and try to imagine life without you. Right now, as hard as I'm trying to be cautious about your existence, you're a part of my life - and I hope you stay.
Feeling small, like a tiny, teensy part of a huge world with tetonic plates and other natural forces that move beyond my control. Hopefully they won't push my family over again, swallow us up.
Arright, MFCTS! Machine coming to the roof of your house very soon - get ready! ;-)