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Wednesday, December 9, 2009

A Baby

Hello from Heartburn Hell (dang V8 juice),

The concept of "all babies are miracles" has always struck me as slightly odd. When I think of a miracle, I think of some rare occurence like winning the lottery. Excuse me, but isn't the earth's population...what...six billion? Seven billion? Something like that. At any rate, that's a lot of babies - far too many to classify each one as a "miracle" in my book. It seems like all most people have to do is get their genitals together to exchange high-fives, and BOOM - an infant materializes.

Of course, all of that goes out the window once you enter the TTC/IF/KuKd universe, where a baby suddenly is - really now - a miracle. A good east-coast friend had a baby within the last 48 hours. She's worked so hard for this baby, which gives his birth a special miraculous quality. More deets later on that friend, once she's stepped out of her baby-delivery daze and brought the little guy home from the hospital. There's a lot to say about her.

In the meantime, that fuzzy mobile-phone picture of her little guy made me wonder suddenly what I simply haven't the brain-capability to wonder very often: will our baby come too?

Will we have our moment in the hospital, just over three months from now? Will I push and scream out strings of profanity as Kevin holds my hand with that wide-eyed stricken look of a jacked-up wild animal? And moments later will there be the shrill cry of a newborn, as is supposed to happen? Will I be taking pictures of that squinty-eyed baby to send to the world? Will I walk into my office building and get bear-hugs from everyone? Will our phone be ringing as casseroles pile up at our doorstep? Will somebody throw me a baby shower? Will there be sunlight slanting through the windows at my baby shower, and chicken-salad-croissant sandwiches arranged beautifully on glass plates, served with chilled champagne? Will I sit perched and glowing on our green Ikea chair, opening presents and holding up little onesies? Will Kevin and I do a celebratory shot of whiskey, ensuring our little Irish guy gets a high-end first dose of breastmilk?

Of course, I have to believe that yes, it's all on its way like a freight train in the distance rumbling toward me with unwavering certainty. How can I not believe? When so much of what I injest, think, feel, shit, say, and do relates in some way to this kickboxing, penis-toting gymnast now inhabiting my body cavity, how can I not freefall into expectant hope? I'm not reading any baby books or doing any childbirth classes, no reading up on parenting strategies or nearby preschools, no talking incessantly about baby-this and baby-that, no postulating on where the baby will sleep or how we'll work out the logistics of whatever. Nope. I trust those thoughts and conversations to come when they have to. Right now, the hope and belief are deeper and quieter than all those surface elements of pregnancy-craze. It's more like a subtle little dialogue inside my head between me and him. The fetus, that is.

You're coming, aren't you?

If he comes, when he comes, he'll fit - I'm pretty damn sure - my narrow definition of a miracle, as does my friend's newborn boy. He'll be a miracle to me because he won't have come easily, or without an earlier price. And if on the off-chance he doesn't come, well, that's beyond what I can remotely imagine. So let's not even go there.

Let's take a Tums and go to bed instead. :-)


Sharon said...

Don't all parents think their babies are the ultimate miracles? I know as our babies due date comes closer and closer and it dawns on me more and more than in a week I'm going to be somebody's mommy and how the whole thing came about... that feels like a miracle for me!

Rach said...

A baby is a miracle, even if you could get knocked up and stay knocked up easily they're still a miracle.

Just last week I thought I could possibly still get me one of those miracles, then I woke up...I pray that when you wake up, you'll be holding your son.

AnxiousMummyto3 said...

Hey Monica,
I have to agree with Rach. I have always thought babies are miracles because (forgive me if this sounds a bit religious) we still don't know what puts that spark of life into them. We know the science behind it, but not why *that* soul enters *that* body. Because it's something that's out of our control. All those things you described in your post, like sitting in the Ikea chair and the croissant sandwiches, I hope with every fibre of my being that you get them. Also I'm sorry about the heartburn-I can relate. I get it all the time! Anyway I'll be interested to read more about your friend's baby & the birth etc...until then you take care!!! xxRosie

angie said...

I kind of have always thought the way you do, Monica. Rub some bits. Sade on the hi-fi. An innie here, and outie there. And a baby. Is that good timing or a miracle? Sometimes. I feel like pregnancy has a great deal of randomness and chaos that, while appearing amazing-like when people can actually produce off-spring sometimes feels more amazing-like that they more frequently do not. I luckily have not had fertility problems, but I still stare at my two year old and think, "How did you live? Explain this to your brother and use your big girl words." I had the unfortunate experience of sitting in an MFM's office while he said, "You have the same chance as everyone else in the world of having another stillbirth." Comforting. Just hoping that this randomness or miracility (look at that, making up words before 6am) is a sitcom-like montage of birth--goofy-faced husband about to pass-out, some sweating, some good one-liners, and a plump, smiling three month old at the end. xo

Frustratedfairy said...

There are plenty of parents who don't think their offspring are miracles at all. Wouldn't it be nice if they did? But life is never that fair people!
But babies that are so loved and so wanted are miracles, the kind that make the world a better place. Monica I hope with all my heart that you get your much deserved miracle.

Megan said...

I'm always wondered how do you raise a miracle?

I hope we both get to find out.

Amy said...

I used to say the same thing as you before Liam. I would reject the babies are miracles because a miracle is something so rare that it is a true wonder when one materialized. Six billion people ruined the babies are miracles theory for me. And then Liam died. And then I could not get pregnant. And now, if I ever get a baby in our lives, it will be a miracle.

Brenna said...

I'm not sure whether my kid is any more or less miraculous than the next...but I can definitely vouch for how deeply anticipated, appreciated, and cherished he is/will be. The fact that he didn't come easily, like you said, nor without a price--that makes me so much more in awe of this whole pregnancy process than I would be otherwise. In fact, maybe that's exactly what leads me to believe that each of those bazillion babies is a bit of a miracle! If only all of their parents knew what an amazing feat it is to get and stay pregnant...

Hope the Tums did the trick! Keep on free-fallin' (and now, Tom Petty is crooning in my head...)


Kris said...

Bravo, well said. I sit here with tears in my eyes and the lil' Frigga, a whole 5weeks today in my bloated abdomen, and all I can say is, You are coming aren't you? You are coming? In the most plaintive, quiet voice echoing in my head.
Thanks for making me cry (a first since we found out we are pregnant again, and a good thing I think) and for verbalizing the words in my soul and heart.

Michelle said...

Definitely lets not go there!

The thoughts going through your head I can not even imagine. I think most people think it is a miracle but going through what you have gone through to get to this point and beyond...your baby WILL be the definition of a miracle. (I am not sure how that sounds after reading it...but know it comes from a really good place). You deserve your miracle and I really can't wait until you get it!

Karen said...

Cheering on your miracle boy-child and sending you all good thoughts. Wishing we didn't all know the babyloss side to make the miracle part hit home so painfully.