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Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Bitch, Glitch and Switch

Greetings, KuKd/IF'ers and Inquisitive Guests!

The Bitch

It was exciting to discover a few days ago that someone had found my blog with the search terms "knocked up bitch."

I had to assume that my blog wasn't quite the thing they were looking for, if you know what I mean. Nonetheless, they did stick around for several minutes (it's almost frightening, the information I have access to). I wonder if this particular Internet-trawler learned anything new in the process, if they liked what they saw here, if they came away with a new view of us knocked-up bitches. If the titillating topic of pregnancy loss can spark even the faintest interest in what I presume to be a fat, horny middle-aged guy who looks like the stapler dude from Office Space, well, the entire KuKd communty can be proud. Right? Can't we?

Warning to my IF/TTC peeps: there's a bit of baby talk here today. Just some musings, some gross bodily things. I say this with full understanding: who in crap's name am I to complain about anything pregnancy-related? At least I'm pregnant at all. Touche.

But things happen with this now 30-week-pregnancy like with any other pregnancy - boring things, commonplace things, non-KuKd-related things - as much as I'd like to think my heightened KuKd status makes this pregnancy somehow different and more interesting than the norm. And sometimes I get the urge to spout off about those things here, even knowing it's not fun for everyone to read about. So my apologies in advance to my pregnancy-sensitive sistas.

The Glitch

There was a bit of a scare this past week - some weird cramping and clear, amnio-like discharge going on. There, I said it! DISCHARGE! Kevin absolutely positively loves it when I say that word - discharge - especially when preceded by "vaginal."


It's almost as much of a turn-on as when I say HEMORRHOID!


(which I announced loudly from the bedroom yesterday morning while blotting my daily torrential nosebleed with an already-used Kleenex)

Poor Kevin, with his nosebloody, hemorrhoidy, vaginal dischargy, blood-engorged, gassy (there's that, too), extremely-vocal-about-all-of-the-above wife of whale-like proportions. Please send him flowers or tickets to March Madness.

Anyway, the cramps. I called the consulting nurse to relay my changing bodily symptoms, and was ordered to come in for a strangely named "non-stress test." The "non-stress test," which - ironically - is stressful just like any other procedure involving checking the aliveness of one's fetus, requires hooking suction-cuppy things up to my belly and listen for fetal activity and peering into my cervix. All of this is to make sure I'm not going into early labor.

(I was secretly hoping I was, in fact, going into early labor - so that I might be prescribed indefinite "bed rest," which - in my twisted fantasy world - involves lounging around in my pajamas for two months and watching movies while Kevin feeds me ice cream)

Of course, I was fully braced for catastrophe as I drove to the clinic for my stressful non-stress test, with Kevin and my mother calling me at regular intervals to check in. That's where KuKd colors pregnancy a slightly different shade than just pure pastel-rainbow: more like a black and gray experience with swaths of crimson-fear.

But everything turned out to be fine, so I was given a pat on the head and sent home, look around in wonderment and think to myself: wow! Things actually seem miraculously, statistically significantly, counter-intuitively okay! Now what do I do with myself?

* * *

The Switch

I'm making the switch!

I was trying to remember what commercial(s) that's from. Some cable company? Cell phone? Diet plan? Anyway, I'm making it the switch.

Any of you who have ever lost a pregnancy, and then experienced subsequent pregnancies, will get what I mean here: during that subsequent pregnancy, you become like this high-risk specimen for the medical community to examine and monitor and write copious notes about. You feel dully afraid just about all the time, and your immediate family - females (well, mothers) especially - feed off your dull fear and cycle it back in your direction, spinning you into an even bigger ball of fear. And you suck up that extra attention like a needy attention whore - for a while anyway.

But then you start to feel tired of being a needy attention whore. You start getting bored with your own drama. If someone suggests another ultrasound, you feel yourself nodding a bit too quickly in agreement. If someone asks you questions and studies your charts, you soak it up like good rum punch, reveling in the spotlight of being such a high-risk specimen that smart people are worried about. And you start to get irritated with yourself, with this identity you've taken up.

Alas - for me, anyway - the novelty wore off about two months ago. I really started wanting to make the switch over to normal knocked-uppage. That is: back to thinking, talking, acting, and being treated like an ordinary pregnant gal with ordinary concerns - not like this big huge walking web of emotion and anxiety and potential dead-baby-ness.

So, after my December ultrasound, I told my Fetal Heart Specialist Guru Doctor that I was ready to MAKE THE SWITCH: the switch back over to my regular nice-lady doctor, the switch to the normal pregnancy track from here on out. Basically that means fewer visits to the doctor, fewer screenings, more relaxation. It means - on paper anyway- that everyone switches over to the mentality of "Monica is a normal pregnant person" instead of "Monica is high-risk specimen."

So we've all made the switch together: me, Kevin, my doctors. And ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh... I feel better already.

God help me if this one gets effed up between now and nine weeks from now.


Lara said...

Not to be annoying and a neurotic jewish mother who had a dead baby too. But I am so why the switch? I in my after kukd pregnancy drove everyone crazy with tests, ultrasounds, monitoring etc. In fact the guru ultrasound doctor of the world at the university of colorado made a very funny gesture when I went to see him at 34 weeks. He walked out of the office with my charts and feined collapsing his shoulders under the weight of the stack of papers making up my prenatal neurosis. This was after a long consultation in which he said everything looks great. Anyway I know different strokes and if you want to be a normal pregnant girl then go for it. I too behaved in such a way by dancing for four days straight at the bluegrass festival - pretending I wasn't pregnant-exhausting myself so I could sleep a few hours-then giving birth right after. But this isn't about me it is about you. Shitdog I just want it all to work out and though I know it ain't up to the doctors to make that happen it just is or isn't I want you and little boy bean carefully cared for by the best Doctors in the whole wide world! Sorry to be bossy and pushy and wondering about the switch-for sure coming from a place of love and support and I will switch with ya cause that is what you want!

KuKd Chick said...

Lara, yeah - it's interesting how everybody's situation is different (hey, we need more neurotic jewish gals in the world!). In this case the switch comes from me, not my docs. My doctors have been really, neuorotically serious. I think they just...not sure...view my situation as this weird special case. Like I said, at first I didn't mind all the attention. But my brain is tired, ya know? Tired from thinking and worrying. Tired from feeling like a freak of sorts. So I feel the need to let go.

Karen said...

I'm glad (and not surprised) that you're directing your own care and have been supported in making the switch. I'm so cheering you on and hoping the rest of this pregnancy is normal and you have a healthy, happy delivery of a screaming baby boy. So I'm glad the glitch ended up being some weird nothing to be concerned about thing.

angie said...

It is so very interesting to read this today, of all days, because today I have my 28th week growth scan and the beginning of the extra monitoring, including seeing the midwives and MFM once a week, then to twice a week starting at 32 weeks...their anxiety makes me anxious. I was planning on asking for normality again. I wanted to make the switch too. I just want to trust that when they say that there was nothing I could have done to save my Lucy, and I have no higher risk of stillbirth, that they mean it. I feel like this extra monitoring is both to protect their asses and because they don't know what the hell else to do. But I find myself bouncing back and forth with the doubt. Thanks for showing me it can be done. The switch, that is. xo

myskytimes said...

I am glad that pregnancy is going along so well... Kudos for your hubby, poor man (wheel-cart of pity for him)! ;)
I talk about all the gross stuff, too. I can analyze discharges and shitting-habits with such detailedness and passion, not everybody is comfy with it...

Oh and as for the stapler-dude: Snorted coffee through my nose reading it. He had no idea what he was getting himself into... *still chuckling*

Heather said...

Again, I am laughing at you. Yes. AT YOU! You are the funniest thing I've ever come across in blogland! I love that! Anyhow, I can completely see myself being the freak-pregnant-chic-post-dead-baby if I ever choose to be pregnant again. But good for you trying to calm down (which has to be a feat on its own) and having a "normal" pregnancy. Good luck with the switch!

Lara said...

Switch it is. Hang in there sister I remember it well. Can see that cute funny little boy in his overalls already! Hokie hypno birthing cd is the only way to sleep the last few months. Wishing you several more months of good healthy discharge and then a healthy little baby boy!

Sharon said...

Glad to hear the scare was nothing serious!!!!

KuKd Chick said...

Thanks Shaz- me too. Very glad the scare was just a scare and that's it. :-)

AnxiousMummyto3 said...

Hey Monica,
sorry if I'm repeating the others, but I, too am glad Male Fetus is ok. Vaginal discharge can be very bothersome. As far as your hemmorhoid goes-OUCH! You poor thing. Look, regarding the switch, from someone very anxious, I'm still glad you're doing it. If it was me, I don't think I'd be able to but I think it's a good decision on your part if that's what you really want. Normality is a good thing. THANK YOU as always for your kind comments on my blog.

Liam's Mommy said...

I am happy to hear that the pregnancy is going well. <3