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Tuesday, March 23, 2010

5 Stages of KuKd Momma with a 4-Day Overdue Baby

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Stage 1: So What's it To Ya?



"You really wanna know when he's due? I'll tell ya: FOUR DAYS AGO! Yeah, you heard me right. And yeah, my gangster gear don't fit no more. And yeah, he could drop out right here and now in Seven Eleven, next to the doughnut case - and you'd have to help. You gotta problem widdat? Hey, where ya going with that horrified look on your face?"

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Stage 2: C'mon, Baby! Bring it!



(Later, private conversation): "Dude, WTF?! What'cha doin, embarassin' ya mama like that! Hurry up -n- getcha butt over here! And not in Seven Eleven, fa gawd's sake!"

* * *

Stage 3: Mild Desperation



"So what if eating this whole thing gives me a serious case of watery shits and a mouthful of canker sores? Someone on Yahoo Answers said it can also cause labor! They sounded like they knew what they were talking about (except for all the misspelled words)."

* * *

Stage 4: Acute Desperation



----- Message -----
From: LEMOINE,MONICA M
Sent: 3/22/2010 8:21 AM
To: Office of Susan Warwick, MD
Subject: castor oil with a shot of vodka??

Hi Dr. Warwick - I've gotten a bunch of friends telling me that I should drink a few spoonfuls of castor oil with either a shot of hard liquor or milk of magnesia. Everyone says it works - I mean, causes lots of pooping and maybe some barfing, but ultimately induces labor. I'm intrigued but sort of scared at the thought of explosive diarrhea and drinking this medieval-sounding elixir..have you ever heard of this? Any thoughts on whether it's OK to try?

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RE: castor oil with a shot of vodka??
To: Monica M Lemoine
From: KC, LPN
Received: 3/22/10 8:36 AM

Unfortunately this option is not recommended as a way to induce labor. You should try to relax and embrace this last week of pregnancy. If you have more concerns or problems before Thursday certainly let us know and we can try to find an appt to have you seen sooner.


Damn.

* * *

Stage 5: Chilling Out

Ahhhhhh...



"I guess I'll just try to relax revel in the pregnant pregnantness of the impregnation for a while."

39 comments:

lis said...

You look awesome! That being said, I hope he comes soon because you also look mad uncomfortable, yo. So excited for you and your hunk :o)

Tina said...

Come on little guy!!! yoiu look great Monica...hang in there! xx

chicklet said...

being overdue sux

therootofallevel said...

i absolutely cannot stop laughing from photo number one!

c'mon sean, you're mom needs a beer already!

therootofallevel said...

rather YOUR mom. (sorry i got excited!) are you out yet?

'Murgdan' said...

Awwwwww...shoot, lady. Sendin' up a prayer to the labor gawds right about now for you...

Reba said...

hands down, funniest post i've ever read. and i read best-of-craigslist for sh!ts n giggles. hilarious!!! and you look good too!

Anonymous said...

you have a beautiful baby belly. thank you for sharing your pregnancy with us. reading your blog helped me considerably when i was dealing with my first, and then second miscarriage. i'm now 33 weeks into my third pregnancy. you are an inspiration. i'll be praying that you have a safe and happy delivery soon.

Michelle said...

You've made such a nice home now he doesn't want to come out.

Thinking of you and hope you have a smooth and easy delivery soon!

Being Me said...

Cute! Very cute. For you to even have a SOH at all at this point (overdue) is a credit to you. For you to still be impossibly hilarious is awesome :) And entertaining.

Good luck, M.

Jane said...

you look great... but I know... overdue sucks..
just think.. it CAN"T be much longer.

AnxiousMummyto3 said...

You. are. hilarious!!!
And I agree...you look so gorgeous.
I wish I could do more to help than sit here and hope for you...
XXX

Mrs. Lovely said...

You look great but I agree with the doctor, don't drink castor oil with vodka. That would probably get messy.

Good luck!

Sophie said...

I hope he gets with the program soon. Good luck!

Cape Girl said...

You look amazing!

He has got to come soon!!! Did you tell him how many people are waiting for him? He's practically already a celebrity.

SaanenMother said...

Great Looking baby belly- I don't know- people swear by the castor oil/OJ "shits" method!!! LOL
Can't wait for the good news- many blessings Monica for a happy landing. Many blessings for your birth.

angie said...

You look awesome, especially for being overdue. I am 36 weeks and am a bloated, swollen mess. Come on, kid, there has to be five more stages, and those may be ugly.

Carolyne said...

So if we get an appearance in the doughnut case does that mean doughnuts for life? That'd be cool.

On a less serious note, hoe things start soon.

jill said...

You look wonderful! I can imagine that being overdue is very frustrating but this post was hilarious :) Hang in there!

Pundelina said...

Do revel. That's some seriously good advice there.

The Little Guy was 8 days overdue and once he was out of me I missed him! I'd gotten so used to having him wriggling around, it was weird for ages not to have him in me.

Revel away in your pregnantyness.

Viktoria said...

Wow! Just wow. Overdue? Seriously? Somebody has a twisted sense of humor. *stink-eye aimed at the sky* Hope he's here soon, like as in now. oxoxoxo -Vik

Chris said...

Please print out this series and put it in Sean's baby book. Awesome stuff.

Anonymous said...

Don't know you, just found out about you about a year ago, but have followed your blog for about a year now. And, today, I couldn't get you out of my mind. I hope that's a karmic symbol that Sean arrived healthy and kicking! Hope you can find some time to still blog in the new mama chaos!

mekate said...

LATE! how ironic..
you do look great so there
and
I've heard hot sex (or really, any sex-with-man-in-usual-configuration) can bring on labor thanks to those seminal fluid prostaglandins.
and
um
Love your post thoroughly- especially the doc email exchange.
Wishing you a whooshing water breaking
followed by a picture perfect perfectly normal delivery with optimal outcome. Soon.

warmly,
Kate

Emerging Butterfly said...

And of course...nipple stimulation is pretty enjoyable at any stage...

Be well...enjoy your birth...let it be orgasmic. Yes, I said it...Orgasmic. It truly CAN be.

Take in that sweet warm baby smell, and hold it deep inside. He is coming, pineapple or no. You are ready...long PAST ready.

Sending you Hugs over the miles...this is YOUR time.

Oh yeah!

Expat Mom said...

Oh, I know how you feel. And like you said in the last post, those who wait for their kids are destined to WAIT even in a full, perfect pregnancy. My first son was born 4 weeks late, the second was 3 weeks late. Both had to be induced, otherwise I think they would have just hung out in there forever. Good luck!

eggorchicken said...

You look totally amazing - loving the bump!

I am however hoping your little dude will be here soonest!!!!

Good luck :-)

xx
Yvonne

myskytimes said...

Ha, ha... love the pics. Just stay away from 7/11s for a couple of days. Sorry the vodka didn't get approved... but I cracked up at the "embrace the last week of pregnancy" thing.

Sean, hurry up! The belly-thing is cute and all but there's a bunch of girls waiting to meet you in person. Mainly your mom, the cool chick on the pictures that isn't allowed to give you vodka...

All the best to you guys! Thinking of you.

Chris said...

According to the Facebooks, little Sean has arrived happy and healthy. Not to steal the thunder of an official announcement (sorry, Monica!), but I know there are lots of people waiting and worrying!

Pundelina said...

Hooray!!! Thanks Chris, I was just coming to say that Sean must have made his appearance in the outerworld by now.

Congratulations!!!!!!

namastemom said...

I was just coming to leave my well wishes. Nice to see someone posted from fb. Congrats to Monica and Kevin!! WELCOME TO THE WORLD LITTLE SEAN!!!!

chicklet said...

Yay for the arrival! I was thinking you hadn't posted in a few days and I was soooo hoping that meant your little monster had arrived safe & sound:-)

Transplant said...

Thanks Chris!

Sharon said...

DUDE!!!!!!!!! Where are the pics and the birth story! And how did I miss the FB announcement???
C'mon already... share the details.
Oh yes and a BIG CONGRATULATIONS!

Sonya said...

All I can say is. Good. If anyone deserved it, you guys deserved it. Good on you both. :)

Cassie said...

Oh, (insert gigantic sigh of relief)--Yayy!! My online teaching and piles of papers to grade have been suffering since I have been checking every time I log on to see how everything went. Then I get to reading past blogs...and, well, you know! Hours go by :)
Monica, I am so happy for you,and know you are reveling in the kick ass nursing hormones right now :) Just enjoy them--and your sweet bundle of joy--don't worry about typing--ha! And give that wonderful husband of yours a big hug---soo so happy for him too! Happy bonding. You all have EARNED it FO SHO :) :) :)
Lots of huggy love coming at you over the wireless...:) :) :)!!

Desiree said...

Oh thank goodness! I've been obsessively checking and I'm so glad to hear that things are great! Still obsessively waiting for pictures, me and the eleventy billion others! :-)

Natalie said...

LOL! Love this post.

So glad to hear he finally arrived safe and sound!!

SaanenMother said...

Right on I have been checking back here every day- since your overdueness post. My dear friend who also lost her babe at home birth like me gave birth two days ago a beautiful baby boy. I am 33 weeks- every Momma that makes it helps me to get through one more day.
Many Many congratulations and blessings. Hooray!