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Sunday, March 21, 2010

The Update-less Update

Howdy Folks,

Baby LeMoine is 48 long-ass hours overdue. He's still alive, I'm pretty sure - which is the biological state we're going for. Every once in a while my stomach moves up and down on its own like a self-activating trampoline, which I take as a sign of life. I have to wonder, though, if the Great Being Above purposely does this to people who have been waiting a long time for a baby: makes our babies come late. KuKd people, infertility-fighting people and the like. Is it some final test of patience, of endurance?

(By the way, don't bother suggesting holistic strategies for making labor happen. No matter what it is, I guarantee you that I've seen it, done it, gotten the t-shirt. Eating pineapple? Yup. Eggplant? Yup. Oatmeal stout? Yup. Walking? Yup. Dancing to rap music in the living room? Yup. Sex? Um....not so much. But hey, if your body resembled that of a sore-breasted manatee, you wouldn't exactly feel like a temple of passion either.)

Anyway.

Not that I'm complaining. Bitching a little bit, I guess, but that's just because I'm impatient. I really, really need and want for this thing to become reality and not just a dream, so I can finally relax and believe it's going to happen. I feel fine overall, walking and working, socializing and going to movies, taking showers, doing girl-push-ups in the living room, eating dark chocolate from Kevin's "secret" stash (yes, he's one of those skinny bastards that can eat one teensy-weensy square of chocolate each day and be satisfied with that, just that, and nothing more). I'm grateful that body didn't get the urge to release this baby early, all thin and jaundiced and frail. Nope: this little guy's got to already be in the 8-9 pound range, if the size and feel of my whopping belly are any indication.

What's more, at least you're pregnant. I can hear the message bubbling through the atmosphere, having now lived with one foot inside of the KuKd/TTC/IF world for several years now. It's funny the messages that you hear as you go through life and have different experiences, messages that would've otherwise landed on deaf ears. I wouldn't have heard this message before. I would have taken pregnancy for granted, taken positive outcome as a given, been utterly unaware of the painful glass wall through which other mommas and wannabe-mommas might view my current circumstance. But I get it now.

Which leads me to the big, huge, huggy, lovey ball of emotion I want to hurl at anyone reading this wants a baby but doesn't have one (by the way, I classify myself in that category still, for now). I want to say thanks, first, for the outpouring of support for me and for Sean sparked by my last post. It means everything, that support, especially coming from KuKd/IF/TTC mommas who - through their own pure grace and compasssion - manage to still have room in their huge hearts to celebrate someone else's pending motherhood, someone else's pending baby. That's a LOT of space in your heart, more than I imagine most people having.

It makes me wonder if I, too, am one of those big-hearted people. I know I haven't always been. If I had, I wouldn't have balked at the idea of going to my friend C's daughter's first birthday, a year after Zachary's stillbirth. I wouldn't have pulled the stillbirth-card right then, but put it aside to support my friend.

But I feel inspired now to be a better person, someone who gives more and takes less. I feel like loss and death have turned me into such a taker over the years, a needer, and less of a giver. Shit; I can't even be bothered to donate five bucks to NPR, even though I listen to it every day on my way to work. I should really try to cough up some change where change is due.

Back to the subject of babies...part of me wants to say...sorry. Sorry? Sorry for being pregnant? That's not quite the right word, but what IS the right word to describe this feeling, the feeling of compassion toward others who don't have the thing I have at this exact moment? If I could wave a magical spooge-propelling wand to give others lasting, thriving pregnancies, I would? Like my friend B, for instance, who made Sean the paper origami-crane mobile. She's been wanting a baby for some time. I know it's a source of pain for her. And yet, she's genuinely happy for me, for Kevin, for Sean. I've got this weird urge to say Hey B, I'm sorry. I'm sorry my cervix sucked up spooge. I wish I could pass along some of this spooge-sucking energy to you. But that just seems like a damn strange thing to say.

Anyway. Everybody should look at the IF/TTC/KuKd community and feel instanteously inspired to do good in the world and show genuine compassion for others, even in the face of your own personal struggles. I wish everybody would.

Those are the thoughts de jour, this strange purgatory-day in Seattle, where K and I are floating between parenthood world and non-parenthood world, neither here nor there. Thank you, again, for the glowing well wishes. I'll certainly post an update here once something update-worthy occurs.

Peace, world!

33 comments:

Mama-Beans said...

My asshat comment of the day: No nookie? Apply evening primrose oil directly to the cervix. Hubby can help. Will do the same thing without the awkward that is due-date sex. And that's all I'm gonna say about that. Also, being overdue sucks, and it's okay to recognize that. Patience thoughts coming your way, glad you can't hit me through the computer.

Bibliomama said...

Much as I respect the no-interventionists, are they seriously not offering to get the kid out of you? Are they just being mean? He's overdue, which means fully viable plus whatever. And I hear you on the no sex -- I walked into my OBs office four days overdue and barked out "I had sex for NOTHING!".
I don't usually comment here because I don't feel -- qualified? Worthy? Something. I just so want you to have this baby, alive, in your arms, screaming his head off for a boob. Fervent and useless good wishes.

KuKd Chick said...

OK you two first-commenting cats.

1) Primrose oil directly to the cervix? Um.....doesn't that seem a little bit....up there? I'm really not sure if Kevin would help with that. I mean, he might if sufficiently drunk and cajoled, but...

2) Bibliomama - well, I wasn't going to mention this in case some people judged me as bad or unnatural, but you force me to. If nothing by Thursday, then it's Induction Meds Here We Come! That's my doc's plan anyway. Thursday could not arrive any sooner.

Mendy said...

DANG. I've been watching your blog like a hawk all weekend knowing the big announcement was coming any moment. I'll continue my daily prayers for you and baby Sean.

BTW - you're totally a big hearted person. It's completely obvious in your writing and I'm certain others are able to pull from your own strength and wisdom.

jill said...

Sending tons of happy thoughts for a speedy, wonderful delivery! I didn't realize you were so far along already! :)

Enough happiness said...

I agree with Mendy. I have been checking in all weekend for an update. Hang in there!

Cassie said...

The waiting is the hardest part, for sure. My two boys were each nearly a week late. My thoughts are to try, try (and I know it might be hard right now!) to enjoy being full of life...vibrant and rife with all the bursting and bustling...being pregnant and all the attendant mellow hormones. Having been pregnant just shy of two weeks ago, I can tell you...I miss it, desperately. I am one of those crazy gals who might stay pregnant the rest of her childbearing years if it were, like, feasible. :) When I heard my KuKd news that my little sweet bubble of life was no longer alive in me, and had to go through labor and delivery (I was 17 weeks), I grieved for the loss of so many things...and my pregnant self was among those things. Squeeze every bit of love and enjoyment out of it that you can. I can completely relate to not ever taking a healthy baby for granted again...and the same thing goes for a healthy and full-term pregnancy! Enjoy it, you glowing, beautiful mama--ahh! Enjoy it :) I, like so many others, am with you as you get ready for the great passage. Lots of love.

Cape Girl said...

Let's get that baby out!!! I'm thinking about you and hoping that the baby makes an appearance really soon!!! XOXO

Hope's Mama said...

you're a stronger woman than I, Monica. My ability to stay pregnant with my after KUKD baby completely expired at 38 weeks when I totally lost the plot and demanded one way or another they take him out of me. I would have loved to wait for natural labour to start on its own, but having lost Hope 5 days past my due date, I couldn't do it. Good on you for sticking this out.
I am standing by for the update. I absolutely can't wait.
Good times for you ahead.
Sending love and luck!
xo

seattlemomma said...

I've followed your blog for a while now, but have never written before. Tonight I feel compelled to respond with a tried and true method of labor induction. It has worked for every single person that I know of that has tried it. Onset of labor has varied from 30 minutes, to about 10 hours, but it always works. Took about 6 hours for me.

Only bummer is that it is going to cause some massive diarrhea first. Good news about that is that you will be nice and empty for the delivery, and there will be no unpleasant surprises on the delivery table.

Ready for it? You need castor oil and milk of magnesia (both can be found at walgreens or safeway). And you need to be pretty desperate to bring this delivery on, because let me tell you it is a pretty disgusting combo. Recipe is 2 tablespoons of each taken at the same time. Pour them into a small glass or shooter and down them. Have something else nearby to chase it with and wash it all down.

Prepare yourself first, because the texture is equivalent to drinking liquid vaseline. All I can say is, try not to gag or puke.

It sucks, but it's worth it.

Word of caution though - don't try it tonight. Wait for the morning. Otherwise you'll be up all night long with diarrhea.

Good luck and keep us all updated. I can't wait to hear of little Sean's arrival!

KuKd Chick said...

Seattle Momma...."massive diarrhea" - oh my goodness golly gosh. That sounds like a pretty wicked elixer form the middle ages...so...torentially...um...
shitty! No pun intended. OK, I'll keep that in mind if I near the point of total desperation.

I think I might send Kevin to the store to pick up Depends if I do that...

Mama-Beans said...

First... sister is an RN and has a handfull of stories from her time down in the maternity ward of full body protective gear complete with goggles worn by all staff because of spraying diarhhea from a pushing mama. From Castor Oil. Sometimes labor kicks in before the oil wears off, just FYI. And as for evening primrose oil... you can just pierce the capsule and insert like a tampon. It'll dissolve and it's perfectly safe. I'd pierce and insert two, twice a day. And bounce on a birthing ball. ( squatting = baby moving down = head pressure on cervix = dialation). These are things that have been recommended to me by my OB and midwife in the past.
Again, waiting sucks. Sorry! The crappy part is, you'll miss these last days of pregnancy, I promise you will.

AnxiousMummyto3 said...

Hey Mon-
thanks for writing the title like you did. I've been feeling vague moments of panic waiting for your updates. That is me though, not you. Sean is good and ready to go!! I am waiting with bated breath. Your thoughts about this community pretty much encapsulate exactly what I love about it. But you don't get to be sorry that you're pregnant. This is your moment. Praying for a safe, peaceful, beautiful birth. And if you decide you want and induction, that is Ok as well. I went there too but the induction never happened-and that is not a story to write here in comments. Know I am sending you positive vibes as best I can.
Love
xxxooo

myskytimes said...

Monica, hang in there! I am amazed at how good you're doing. A inducer they give in german hospitals, is (similar to SeattleMomma):

- half glass of peach-juice
- dash of prune-juice
- castor-oil (2 spoons)
- shot of liquor
- fill up with sparkling wine.

My sister was 10 days overdue and got that "drink". She was so boozed out of her mind she slurred, giggled and finally puked right in the labour-room.

Will be checking back here in about 3...2....1... he, he.
All the best to you and little Sean!

xoxo

angie said...

Woah to the German recipe for birth induction. Wicked, though, to be fair, I am down with anything suggesting liquor right now. I am also amazed that you are able to go past 40 weeks right now. You go, Mamacita. As for castor oil, I just have to say the spraying diarrhea story has convinced me it isn't worth it. Some old woman advised my sister in the last week of her pregnancy to "move the fridge across the kitchen." Because that worked for all five of her children. I am only sharing the knowledge. Sending good laboring vibes, Monica!

BluebirdSinging said...

Just here with everyone else waiting on the edge of my seat for the word!

I also wanted to add that you give a hell of a lot to this community just by writing this blog - thank you.

And I too have never coughed up cash for NPR even though I listen to it every day so don't feel too bad :)

tbean said...

Hey there--I mostly lurk here but I wanted to say that I am so eagerly and HAPPILY awaiting the post telling us that Sean has arrived. A fellow blogger dropped me your link while amidst my ectopic pregnancy/miscarriage/loss thing in the fall and I have loved reading ever since. It is really good to have someone out there that is pregnant that I don't hate or resent for it. Good luck making it through these last agonizing days of waiting.

Kahla said...

So glad you took a moment to update, I have been wondering if Sean had made his big debut yet. I'm not help on getting the labor going because I was induced both time, my babies really like it where they are and I literally have to evict them. ;o) Good luck, I am so very excited for the two of you (well, three of you, Sean is already a lucky little guy)!

Jennifer Olson said...

You sound pretty sane for a post-due KuKd mama! And thinking of the feelings of others is proof of your big-heartedness.

I went 9 days past with the baby I had after my stillborn baby, and I was a wreck, sobbing into the kitchen sink every morning moaning that the baby was never going to come and the universe was just playing another dirty trick on us. I tried everything - induction massage, sex, evening primrose, walks, herbs, acupuncture - shite, I almost shelled out good money for a "flower essence" induction. The day before my scheduled induction I took a tsp of castor oil with a shot of vodka in the morning. Pooped like crazy (drank lots of water to stay hydrated). Then my husband and I watched "Outlander," and it was so bad we laughed our asses off all the way through. By the end of the movie I was having regular contractions. No idea if it was the castor oil or all that tension-relieving laughter.

Will be watching this space and sending easy labor vibes! Can't wait to hear about Sean's safe arrival.

Leslie said...

Thanks for wishing me (not me specifically, but all of us baby obsessed WAITERS out here) spooge-sucking power!

Reminds me of the time that my dear friend who *doesn't want children* told me that she heartily wishes she could give me her eggs. Not that we know that my eggs are the problem, but really, it was one of the nicest things anyone ever said!

:)

Tina said...

Standing by for another update!!!

Sara said...

So glad you have a plan that gives you an end date - hang in there! Going past the due date is hard for any mama, can't imagine how hard it is for a baby-loss mama. My only ASS-vice is to do all the things you won't be able to do easily with a baby - go out to eat every night, go see movies, pamper yourself in every way. Now is the time to indulge in every whim.

We're all storming the universe for you, Kevin and Sean!

Chris said...

Feeling for you and sending good vibes your way. Our little guy came a week after due date. It was absolutely excruciating, and I honestly believed he would never come. It was quite a shock when my wife actually started labor. We could hardly believe it.

My advice for making the baby come is to make a fancy dinner reservation or buy some non-refundable tickets. That will summon the baby to mess up your plans.

Maria said...

I've been checking your blog every so often to see if you've delivered. Given your medical history, I'm surprised your clincians are letting you go past your due date; have they given a reason?

I'm thinking along the same lines as Bibliomama - I don't comment here either b/c I don't feel qualified/worthy/etc.

Regardless, we're all thinking of you!! Come on Thursday!

glasshalffull said...

Heya Monica! Been checking here relentlessly and can't wait to read about your delivery. We were watching "Life" on the Discovery channel yesterday (a MUST see, even without a fancy plasma TV)and there was a quote that applies here as well as in anything you tackle as a mother (knocked down or otherwise): "The soul of parenting is the capability for sacrifice." With Oprah as narrator it hit even harder but it truly strock a chord deep inside. While I am a mother only to the son I lost I keep playing those words back for comfort. Love and light, kiddo!

Desiree said...

Dude, spraying diarrhea?? Good GAWD! There's got to be another way.

And don't be sorry - you've earned your spot in the sun with blood, sweat and a shit-ton of tears. As much as we all want our turns in the sun, we are cheering our hearts out for you in the shade. So turn your face up, smile big, and relish this like you never have before.

Ugh, I'm crying. I haven't yet confirmed if there's a REASON for my tears but the hormones are raging.

Monica, you're awesome and wonderful, you have a GIGANTRO heart and you have EARNED this!

But geez, I don't know about the diarrhea part. That's pretty aggressive. I hope it doesn't come to that - for your sake. I don't want you to have to explosive-shit on the doctor, even though the mental image is cracking me up.

the misfit said...

Thanks for keeping us updated. Also, I would like to see that t-shirt collection.

Heather said...

Hoping that since you didn't post today that Sean has made his debute! Otherwise, here's crossing my fingers and sending you "living baby" vibes for a successful and not too painful Thursday!

lis said...

hoping that baby makes his way out soon! best of everything to you and your husband...you deserve it.

KuKd Chick said...

No baby yet, y'all. Not desperate to the point of causing massive 20-foot geysers of shit and vomit to propel from my arse and mouth respectively - which is kind of how the castor-oil-vodka-elixir sounds - but will keep you posted on that. Will definitely need to make that a photo-gallery with close-up shots, if I go that route.

Inanna said...

When I worked as a doula, the birth center used to give moms castor oil to bring on contractions when the water was broken and they were on a clock. It worked most of the time.

I can't believe you're so close! Where does the time go?? :)

eggorchicken said...

Thinking of you Mon.
No posts for a few days now so I'm keeping everything crossed that baby Sean is here :-)

xx
Yvonne

eggorchicken said...

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh I see your little guy finally arrived. I'm so very happy for you - CONGRATS CONGRATS CONGRATS and enjoy being his very special momma. He's a super lucky boy.

xx
Yvonne

(PS I was dying of curiosity so I may have managed a little bit of very innocent facebook snooping ;-) )