This blog is in chill-mode, but you'll still find archived posts and book updates/events.

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Thursday, May 13, 2010

Breathing

Hi, World!

Book launch and a short string of random readings in Seattle are done, ahhhh. Now I'm on hiatus from all things book-related, and hot DAMN, it feels good to be just chilling and breathing for a while. It's been fun, standing up there and talking about stillbirth, miscarriage, and boners (among other things) in the same five-minute time span.

The public speaking element isn't hard for me; I've never had a problem making a fool of myself on stage. The much more nervewracking part is the act of reading something so personal and dear to me, carved up from the darkest part of my life and spewed out into words (even while my heart is really now fixated on the present and future), while attempting to do so in a way that doesn't leave audiences feeling awkward. What's to keep people (especially people who don't know me) from writhing uncomfortably in their seats at the mere notion of such heartrending subject matter as dead babies? It's not exactly a popular conversation starter. Then again, isn't that one of the things that literature is all about? To bring a (potentially widely misunderstood and/or shitty) experience to a greater mainstream audience, making it accessible to them, something they can connect with even having not gone through it themselves? I believe so. Hope so, anyway.

Nothing book-related is scheduled in the foreseeable future, which gives me some much needed time to kick back and marvel at living-son Sean Murf's ever-changing face and mannerisms as he approaches his eight-week birthday. Each day, I love him more fiercely, more than I ever thought possible. Confession: he fuses with Zachary sometimes, and they become like one boy inside my mind, a reincarnation of each other. Somebody would probably tell me that's due to unresolved grief-issues from past losses, but anyway. Sean surprises and delights me in ways that nobody else's child can. There isn't any feeling like putting my face close to his, saying some random word like "banana!" and seeing a smile spread across his face. I resist the urge to talk about such moments to my non-kid-having friends, because I know it would only bore them after about five minutes. That's okay; I'm cool with just keeping such intimate little baby moments to myself, babbling about them to Kevin as we experience it together, wishing I could just suck on those moments forever like never-dissolving candy. I've been told that Sean won't be a baby forever, and that's hard to fathom.

Anyway. I could go on and on about him, but I won't.

One last thing - if you're coming here as a new or new-ish reader, note that this blog isn't really a blog anymore (although...is what I'm doing right now considered blogging??? gah!). Actually, I'll probably post occasional thoughts as they hit me, but I reserve the right to be totally sporadic and random about that. I needed to stop my KuKd-related musings once Sean was born, out of fairness to him if nothing else. Really, what this space is now is a holding place for my past two-some-odd-years of postings about my lost son Zachary, male fetus before him, and "blighted ovum" after him - as well as occasional updates and information about my new memoir: Knocked Up, Knocked Down.

...Until later! -m

11 comments:

Supposed to be... "Mama G"... said...

Monica- I received your book, read it cover to cover... LOVE LOVE LOVE it!

I find occasionally that my talk of my daughter seems to make people uncomfortable... to this I respond " awww whats the matter? Is my dead baby making you uncomfortable?!" Thank-you for giving us dead baby mommas the courage to say what we need to say, to get through the day. You, your Hubby, and baby Sean are such an inspiration to those of us who are going through the loss and subsequent TTC. Thank you!

Sharon said...

Glad we're still going to hear from you from time to time!

myskytimes said...

So glad we still get to get a little blogging-fix from you... It was a pleasure reading... Keep us informed when KUKD hits the bestselling-lists.

xoxo

Emerging Butterfly said...

Monica....I just finished your book. It arrived yesterday afternoon and sucked me in. First, I wanted to say I loved getting to know you better, and second, if you couldn't hear me bawling around 2 am it is only because you were engaged with your new little man. :o) It was loud, honest...it was really healing to read your story.

Your book is a beautiful tribute to an amazing woman, and I'm so glad to know of the happy ending you are now holding so joyfully in your arms. Somehow it makes it all feel that things turn out o.k. in the end. That's my hope anyway.

Thanks for the tears, smiles, and laughter. Thanks for being a voice.

Peace...

KuKd Chick said...

Hey Butterfly, thanks so much...that means a bunch to me. I'm glad you enjoyed the book. MySkyTimes- yes, occasional thoughts. Thanks for giving me the greenlight to post them here at random. :-) Yay!

vampgyrl said...

Well damn. I wish that I had found you a week ago. I really could have used an outing to see you at one of your readings. My son was stillborn in September and it's been strange feeling my way through the awful kinship if DBMs. I'll be reading through your old posts, and will definitely be checking out your book. I'm glad that you've been able to articulate your journey. I am so grateful that you have had and continue to have the courage and ability to share.

Cassie said...

Yay! Hee hee--logging on at random after my work is done here at ye olde coffee shop whilst kiddos are at babysitter's at before I grocery shop. We owe it to our dead babies to honor them from time to time, damnit...and, as Emerging Butterfly said, THANK you for being a VOICE in the darkness. I will also continue talking out loud about my baby and my journey. The writing has been healing, no?! So glad to see you on here from time to time, Monica, and know that your writing is something of great importance in this here world. It is needed, and significant, and indeed, what literature is all about--gleaning wisdom vicariously.

Lots of love and more love as we keep on keepin' on....

(dang! out of time to write on my blog, but am now inspired to soon:)

Karen said...

Congratulations, Monica, on the birth of Sean and the publication of your book! I can't wait to read it. I've been on hiatus from blogs for a while but as I drew nearer to George's one year (today) I had to get back. If you're up in Vancouver please let me know. I will pitch reviews of your book after I read it to Cdn media - after this week. xo

Open Air said...

Hi Monica,
I found your blog a couple of weeks ago, and read it through from start to finish. Wow! I laughed, and that's saying alot because laughter has not been my typical response to any of the dead baby blogs I've read in the last eight months. Your words helped me get through the days following KuKd #2 one month ago.
I read your book yesterday (in one sitting) and I just wanted you to know I love it.
Mostly because you're an amazing writer, and also because it made me feel like I'm not crazy!
It amazed me how many things I've felt and done in the last eight months (since KuKd #1) that mirror what you wrote about.
Hanes switch: check.
Out-of-the-country trip: check.
Frustration with in-laws for not talking about it: check.
Baby-replacing puppy: he arrives in June!

So I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your experiences, thank you for making this road feel less lonely, and I hope you enjoy this new chapter of your life with sweet little Sean. I'm so glad he's yours!

glasshalffull said...

What a treat to see this little post. It's funny, my sister's waxer, who has been fairly Russian and tough love-ish about my experience with her, said that my next baby will be my first baby's spirit in a new body. I don't know if I buy it, and I am not pregnant yet, but I can't help but think it totally natural to meld your children together. Unresolved grief? Whatever- we won't ever resolve or understand our losses we can only shape our lives in such a way that we can cope, smile, and make the most of each day.

Cassie said...

glasshalffull, what a great post. You are so right, and I love the wisdom in it...thank you.